25. January 2010 by Bex.

Last week was a little nuts.  I was able to go to Independence and see the old court house where Truman got his start.  They are in the process of fixing it up and it’s not open all the time for the general public.  The old downtown of Independence is really cute; it’s nothing like the outskirts which are just nasty and scary.

I also did my therapy pool workout again on Wednesday and pushed myself a little to go faster and longer.  Unfortunately when I was done I could hardly walk and the next day was laid up on the couch.  I felt like I had the flu and my knees and ankles ached.  So much for the new biologic I’m taking.  Maybe it hasn’t kicked in yet, who knows.

I also went to a local community college and talked to a career counselor.  I don’t think they get too many master’s degree holders coming in to inquire about an associates degree.  I figure I have all of my general classes done and would just need to take the core classes for an associates in criminal justice.  This, aside from animal care, is the only other career path I’m interested in but I can’t be a cop.  I would be interested in working the records department or chain of evidence department.  However I have no criminal justice background so I’m wondering if this will open some doors for me.  And I hope to not have to get another bachelors because a 4 year school is expensive as  hell.  Community colleges are much cheaper.  Johnson County Community College is pretty spiffy for a community college.  Unfortunately the clientele are a bit rough.  I got stuck going the wrong direction in the parking garage and instead of just rolling her eyes at me and giving me room to turn around, this 20-something emo chick rolled down her window and screamed at me.  So what did I do?  I screamed back at her.  Honey, I’m too damn old to be intimidated by you if you are going to show a lack of class and patience.  Suck it.

My next step is to talk to the chair of the department and see what her opinion is.  Jobs aren’t great in this area but nationwide they are good.  I have a feeling once this recession lifts a bit more, counties and cities will get back to full staff.  Plus federal jobs are out there too and I would dig doing something with Homeland Security or INS.  Ya never know.  I just know I will never move up in responsibilities or pay where I am now and that’s probably true for similar jobs elsewhere in the nation.  I want more flexibility in where I can work.

Saturday we planned on going bowling for something different to do but the damn lanes were packed.  So we drove to a pool hall and played a couple of hours.  Apparently the guy playing our table before us was Dave Pearson, some famous speed shooter.  I wouldn’t know a famous pool player from a hole in a wall but there ya go.  Unfortunately the more cheap beer we had, the worse my playing ability.  But since we greatly curtailed alcohol purchases, I am now a light weight.   Cheap date!  I think Ron and I have been kinda waiting around, hoping to get our schedules to work with other couples to hang out with.  But that never seems to come together so we decided just to go on our own.  We had a good time and it was nice to get out of the house.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print for now.  Since I didn’t take any interesting photographs this week, I’ll leave you with crappy tattoos from the friendly world wide web.  Tschus.

Posted in General | No Comments »

18. January 2010 by Bex.

I’ve never considered myself a hippie, although I do consider myself “different” then a lot of women.  (Maybe “tomboy” is the correct term considering my love of shooting guns and playing video games.)  I like who I am and don’t see a real need to change, except for any unattractive habits that may come up.  I don’t have a problem with hippies or conservatives or anyone else, as long as they aren’t in the extreme on either side of the spectrum.  But I’ve never considered myself a hippie until lately.

I have been changing our diets slowly but surely to a more organic diet.  We cut down on alcohol and caffeine, we are drinking organic milk and when I can afford to buy more organic food, I do.  I also bought a cast iron skillet finally because it will last longer and doesn’t have Teflon or other non-stick chemicals all over it.  As we run out of household cleaners, I’m replacing them with “green” cleaners.  By the way, all this shit is rather pricey.

Due to the popularity of Facebook, I find myself talking to people from home/high school a lot more then I did when I actually went to school with them.  I can’t believe how many people have some kind of autoimmune disease.  These are people my age - early 30’s.  I’m getting pretty frickin’ paranoid that even though some of the shit I have is inherited, that all the chemicals we grow up eating and breathing can’t be helping.  In fact, I wonder if over the generations all the chemicals in our environment aren’t causing some of this.  Anyone heard of Silent Spring by Rachel Carson?  I did a paper on it in grad school when I was studying integrated pest management.  She realized one spring that the birds weren’t singing as much as they normally did each spring.  Basically through her research she discovered that DDT, a popular pesticide, had made it’s way into our ground water and thus into our food chain.  Certain species of birds were dying because their egg shells were so thin that none of the babies were making past the incubation phase.   Her book and all the controversy that it made led to state legislation all over the nation to ban dangerous pesticides.  And how did she die? Breast cancer; the incidence of which has gone up considerably since WWII when more chemicals began to be regularly dumped into the environment.   Reminds me of Marie Curie and radium in some ways.

No one can eliminate his/her exposure to chemicals completely.  But I have to cringe whenever I see commercials for scented candles and oils and sprays that companies want you to spray around your house.  If your house stinks all the time, clean it.  Quit covering up the stank with chemicals for cripe’s sakes.

On that note then, my resolutions to eat better are going well.  We hardly drink anymore (boo!!!!  beer tastes good dammit), I’ve had fried food once and am eating better overall.  Do I feel better?  Not yet.  I have a feeling that eventually I will.

I leave you with some KC fog shots.  It’s been kinda creepy/romantic outside.  I think I’m ready for April but love that we’ve had snow and fog to change things up around here a bit.

Tschus.

Posted in Blogs, Books, Health | 2 Comments »

11. January 2010 by Bex.

Isn’t that what Mr. Magoo used to say?  Maybe I’m not remembering it right.  I had my eyes dilated today around 9:30 and things are still a bit blurry.  This is what I felt like driving around today:

Yes, I realize I should not have been driving.  I used to really love watching old re-runs of Mr. Magoo.  Maybe I’ll have to do a stitch of him soon.  Yeah………that’s the ticket.

Rowdy is doing as well as Rowdy can be.  No seizures since the initial one but he has messed on the floor.  Considering it was below zero a lot, I don’t blame him.  He’s been hella picky about eating though and that is a pain in the ass.  We are trying different cooked and canned foods.  He likes only the shit that’s really bad for him.  Just like a human I guess.   Unfortunately straying from his diet makes him want more water which makes him have to pee a lot more.  So more accidents.

Life quality is still good though so we will not put him to sleep yet.

This weekend was pretty mellow.  I wanted to stay close to home because I took my second shot for RA.  I didn’t feel any side effects until the next day.   Here is a quick look at how easy it is to administer:

The side effects for me were sweating, hot flashes, racing heart, stuffiness and sinus headache.  Benadryl helps a lot.  I’ll remember that next time.  Hopefully in another month or so I’ll start to feel the positive effects.

Not much else is going on.  The only other thing I can talk about is the weather.  That’s a good sign it is time to end this post.

Tschus!

PS

In finding the following image (in which I see myself and Rowdy)…

…I found a blog which compares the United States with Mr. Magoo.  Only the blogger calls the US, Amerikkka, and says the US is like Magoo in its relations to the Muslim world.  I could explain further but I feel like just linking it will put me on some kind of watch list so I’ll let you read it for yourself.  http://ruminations52.blogspot.com/2007/02/amerikkka-as-mr.html Well, whatever your feeling on our government and its blunders, I am not sure comparing it with the KKK is right.  But whatever.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Embroidery, Health | No Comments »

3. January 2010 by Bex.

Rowdy seems ok today.  He still won’t eat much and I’m not sure if he’s pooping either.  A healthy dump is a sign of good things so that’s what I’m looking for.  At this point we’d be fine even if he did it in the house.  I’ll talk to the vet tomorrow and see if we need to come in for an exam.  Hopefully he will be ok.  I hate crying and feel like I’ve done enough lately.  Crying really doesn’t help a sinus infection either.

We spent a good deal of last night cooking and drinking and playing Beatles Rock Band.  Thankfully Ron doesn’t mind my attempt at singing.  He’s good at the guitar part and I can at least hit most of the pitches so it was fun.  I grew up on The Beatles but I just never realized how fucked up the lyrics got towards the late ’60’s.  You don’t really appreciate how drugged up they were until you try to sing the lyrics.  Fun stuff.

The graphics are good too because there is a lot of detail given to their instruments.  They also really nailed the various looks that the band went through over the years.

Video games are a great distraction as well as a nice stress relief.  Unless you are playing Mario on the Wii.  We still can’t get past that last castle.  Fucking Bowser.  I can’t imagine trying to play with more then two people at once.

So it’s a new year and for some reason people are sometimes compelled to make resolutions or reevaluate life.  I’m not so silly as to think just because we started this year off with a canine crisis that my whole year is destined to be shitty.  Quite honestly last year was really hard and not that great overall, but we got through it without taking things out on each other.  Ron’s been absolutely supportive and wonderful through all the ups and downs.  No matter how shitty it all gets, he is always the one constant and happy thing in my life.

I have come to some conclusions though; some lessons learned.  I’m going to stop trying to explain to people what the hell is wrong with me and why I can’t do everything they ask of me.  I can’t make someone understand and I’m no longer going to try.  I just don’t give a crap anymore what they think or don’t understand.  It’s too much energy.  This blog is my main vent and it’s free so I’ll just put it all here.  Lucky you!!!!  (I do promise, however, that not all blogs will be a bitch-fest.  There is more to life out there, somewhere.)

I’ve also concluded that I can’t sit and feel sorry for myself unless I know I’ve tried everything to help myself.  So I’ve looked into my conditions a bit more and most people agree that dietary changes can help with some symptoms.  I can add more veggies and fruit and organic animal products to my life.  But I’ll have to limit fun things like fried foods, sweets and alcohol.  Boo, hiss.  Meh.  I’m going to stay out of smokey places as much as possible as well.  I’m also going back to swimming and water therapy because if I do it 2-3 times a week, I’m going to at least have some physical stress relief.  It’s finding that balance between doing too much and too little that is so damn tricky.  Plus, there is a hot tub there I can use.  You just don’t know what fun is until you’ve sat in a hot tub with a bunch of old people at the community center.  Hawt.   Me and my tattoos… and lots of old people.  Just picture that in your mind for a second…  And when I’ve figured out the pattern to follow for that, I’ll try yoga.  Why not?  If it was horrible for you, would it be so popular?  Don’t answer that.  The thought of colonics just popped in my mind.  (Seriously people, you don’t have years worth of shit built up in your guts.  You just don’t.)  And finally, I need to rid myself of one of my stressors and that is my job.  I love what I do but, well I can’t get into it much here.  Something in my career life needs to change for the better.

I leave you with an image I found doing one of my Google image searches.  It just makes me giggle….a lot.   Enjoy.

Tschus.

Posted in Video Games, Health, General | No Comments »

31. December 2009 by Bex.

This morning I was having a nightmare…something about being in a house and not being able to go near windows or doors because a killer was taking out the inhabitants of the house.  It was scary and gory.  All the sudden I felt Ron grip my leg and it sounded like Rowdy was gasping.  Ron whipped off the covers and headed to his bed while I turned on the light.  Rowdy was having a seizure.  I’ve never seen anyone or any animal have one before.  I managed to get the strap of a backpack in his mouth to try to stop him from clamping down on his tongue.  Then I ran and got the number for the emergency vet while Ron tried to comfort Rowdy.  I just bawled and bawled.  By the time we got him in the car and drove to the vet about 4AM, his seizure had stopped.

All while I held him in the car I kept thinking “this is it.  Today we say goodbye to him.”  But the vet said we had the option to watch him and if he seizes again, to get him on some medication.  They ran some bloodwork and talked to us about all the options we have.  We chose to take him home and observe him until our regular vet opened up.  Ron talked to our vet and he said the same things.  Right now we are just going to watch him; see how he eats, if he is disorientated, in pain, can go to the bathroom, etc.  I just wish he could slip away quietly in his sleep and take away the decision from us.

So here we sit, watching him pace around the house, then he gets tired and lays down.  He’s eating and wanting to be petted so that’s good.  I feel pretty horrible right now.  Such is life.

Posted in Dogs | 2 Comments »

30. December 2009 by Bex.

I should be trying to eat better and clean out my system after pigging out so much over Christmas.  We didn’t do a damn thing but eat and play video games.  I got my wish for a white Christmas and we were snowed in.  So far the roads are pretty passable which is good when one must make it to work.  I’d rather be snowed in at home though.  The dogs liked their snow time and it was very beautiful outside.  I’m ready for the weekend already though as I’ve been fighting a lovely sinus infection and finally succumbed to antibiotics.  They are kicking my ass.

Here are some photos from our Christmas.  Nothing terribly exciting but at least it was peaceful.

The drainage ditch behind the house.  I cropped out the rotted mattress someone threw down there about a year and a half ago.

We didn’t exactly primp for our photo shoot but dammit we still look cute.

Sadie enjoyed playing catch with the snowballs.

Ron has quite the smart ass sense of humor.  Good thing Rowdy was protected on the other side of the glass.

Here is Rowdy taking a nap the other day.  He’s so old and losing weight.  Not because of anything in particular but because he hates his bland diet.  So tonight he had boiled rice and cooked ground beef.  Lucky guy, eh?

This is typically what Patton looks like when I wake up on the weekends.  We sleep in together.  And nap together.  He curls up in a little brindle ball and snoozes on the bed.

Final dog photo for the day.  Last Monday was Sadie’s 13th birthday.  My baby is a teenager now.

So other then snow and pets, we’ve been playing a lot of video games.  We are almost done with Mario on the Wii.  The final Bowser section SUCKS.  This game was a lot harder then any other Mario games I’ve played.  I think it’s mostly because trying to coordinate on a platform game with someone else playing is not easy.  Both of us try to jump in the same spot at the same time.  There is much cursing in this game.

We also made it through one run of Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles.  I like how they brought elements from several other RE games.  It was pretty fun and the shaky camera made head shots harder yet more enjoyable.  I would like to run through it again at a harder setting.

Finally, we made it through Left 4 Dead 2 which was a lot more fun then the first one.  The ai’s were annoying as shit but the weapons were better and the levels were a little longer.  I especially like the melee weapons which included a frying pan, guitar and chainsaw.

So I don’t have a lot more to share.  Well, someone asked me to photograph her in a tasteful, nude shoot.  That was unexpected.  I don’t mind doing it though as nudity really doesn’t bother me that much as long as I’m the one behind the camera.  I definitely need more lessons with the camera though and I think my peeps in the local KC Flickr group are going to be a big help.  Gotta love networking with others through the net.  It’s been a life saver for me with all my social phobias and tendencies to hole myself up in my house 24-7.  Hey who knows.  Maybe I’ll get a side biz taking nudies of people.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  “Not now junior, mommy has to take photographs of people’s junk.”  That would rock.

Be well dear friends.

Tschus.

Posted in Photography, Flickr, Dogs, Video Games, Health | 1 Comment »

19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »

23. November 2009 by Bex.

Since the day we moved here to this neighborhood two years ago, it’s been crazy.  I’ve witnessed and gone to court for a domestic assault case, watched a kid selling drugs in the middle of the afternoon and watched little kids wandering around at all hours.  Pizza Hut quit delivering to our house after dark because they’ve been robbed too often.  Last Thursday/Friday morning we woke up at 3AM to hear gun shots outside our house.  It was terrifying and as far as I know, no one has been caught.  I guess no one was murdered so that is good.  I was worried about stray bullets hitting us but thankfully we weren’t in the trajectory.

Talk about motivation to get the hell out of this area.  I’ll definitely check out the crime maps before we move though.  I just want to live somewhere in peace.  I have to admit I’m nervous in my own home.  Thank god I have loud dogs…they are a good deterrent, I hope.

So here is what our ‘hood looks like.  Seems pretty peaceful, doesn’t it?

Posted in Crime | 1 Comment »

7. November 2009 by Bex.

Last night I attended a special opening for the American Indian Art gallery at the Nelson-Atkins.  I listened to some really wonderful speakers discuss the past indignities and abuses suffered by the AI people and how we are all working now to address the past and better our future.  The Mayor and the Governor were there, as well as two very influential American Indian people who both have contacts with Washington, D.C.  The Nelson worked very hard to make the exhibit a venue for American Indian voices rather than an exhibit about Indians.  I was very moved to hear the speakers and even more moved to listen to the AI ceremonies that occurred right after.  I say “listen” because I couldn’t see a damn thing through the crowd.  However I did hear the drums and the signers and listened to the prayer.

I haven’t been to a pow wow since I lived in Nebraska.  The music was something I heard a lot growing up as one of my aunts had a lot of friends on the reservation.  Growing up in North Dakota, the American Indians were the only minority and I heard a lot of racist jokes and derogatory things about the AI’s.  Those jokes and statements always made me uncomfortable but an incident I experienced on a reservation really changed me forever.

My aunts took me up to Fort Berthold (home of the Hidatsa, Mandan and Arikara tribes) one winter not too long after my mom died.  We were taking up a bunch of furniture to the reservation because my dad no longer thought we needed it.  He was “purging” the house of mom and anything that reminded him of her.  My aunts for whatever reason decided it would be good for me to see people who didn’t have as much as I did.  Apparently I needed a “life lesson” because I was spoiled in their eyes.  Maybe I was a little spoiled…

I remember sitting in the back of that cold van, listening to tribal drum songs on tape that my aunt loved.  I was scared; I hated being away from home, among people I didn’t know.  I’m still like that.

When we got there, I was taken into the reservation’s community center where they were getting ready for a big pow wow.  I was very aware of the fact I was the only white kid there.  I’ve always been shy and had a hard time making friends but I was hopeful some kids would talk to me.  Not a chance.  The kids took an instant dislike to me, snickering at me and even turning the lights out on me in the bathroom while I was relieving myself.  I was terrified and struggled to find my way out of a strange public restroom.  But I didn’t tell my aunts what happened.

My other memories were of watching people cook.  There were some very nice ladies there who explained to me what they were doing.  That’s when I first saw the ingredients for tripe soup.  I made sure not to eat the tripe soup when supper time came.  But mostly I just kept to myself, observing people.  We slept in that cold van at night and I remember thinking what a lonely place it was there.

The last night we were there was the night of the big pow wow.  The dancers were in full regalia and I had never seen costumes like that.  Feathers and bells….appliqued felt….beads….staffs and headdresses.  It was very alien to me and my Protestant German upbringing.  The drums and the singing were so loud and hypnotic.  I watched from behind the circle of onlookers as they danced around and around.  I had no idea, and still don’t know, what it all meant.

At the end there was some kind of ceremony….I’m not sure what it was called.  Some people entered the circle, mostly what I thought were older, distinguished members of the tribe, and went around the inside of the circle, shaking hands with everyone who comprised the outer circle.   I thought that was very neat and it was something I understood.  Shaking hands!  Us white people do that too!  To my horror however, a white woman pushed me into the circle and told me to walk around and shake hands as well.  I tried to leave the circle but she blocked my way.  I hated being in the center of attention amongst people I knew, so this was like a nightmare.  But there were enough encouraging smiles to get me started.  I remember the older people clasping my hand and how weathered and soft their hands were.  They had kind smiles too.  Emboldened by their kindness, I moved around the circle, sticking out my hand to everyone.  And halfway through I came to the kids.  My smile frozen to my face, I stuck out my hand.  And each kid looked me straight in the eye and refused to take my hand.  I felt hurt and humiliated.  I quickly finished moving through the circle and retreated back into the corner.

That’s when I understood what racism felt like.  I hadn’t done anything to these children except I was white and I was an outsider.

Later that night there was a drawing for a star quilt and my aunt won it.  It was a beautiful dark rose quilt, very similar in pattern to this one:

I left Fort Berthold with mixed emotions.  I was happy to go back home but bothered by what had happened between myself and those other children.  As an adult, I took a lot of time and interest during my academic career to study Native American art, anthropology and history.  I wanted to know what happened to the American Indians to make those kids hate me so much.  There wasn’t a lack of information on the history between the missionaries, the military, the government, the settlers and the American Indians.  It’s pretty tragic.  I can’t change what happened but I can be an advocate for what I feel is right: honoring their traditions, understanding both our histories and not using them as racist mascots.  I don’t see a lot of difference between the mascot for the Cleveland Indians and a black Sambo.

The other thing I took from that experience is to know what racism feels like.  And to make a conscious effort never to treat others that way.  For a little kid, that was a pretty important lesson.

Years later, as an adult, I finally told my aunt what happened there.  She wondered why I hadn’t told her what was going on that weekend.  I told her I felt somehow I deserved it because I was an outsider.  And I told her the lesson I learned from it all.

She then gave me that rose star quilt and told me I had earned it.  I type this nestled under that very quilt and feel quite honored to have it.  The story of where it came from will always be passed down with it.

I didn’t get to see the new galleries last night as my friend and I had to leave early.  But I plan to go back next weekend for the public opening.  I’m looking forward to seeing the dancers and singers they have lined up next weekend.  And to honor those artists, historic and contemporary, from home.

This is an Arikara shield, on display at the Nelson-Atkins:

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