30. March 2009 by Bex.

Spring has sprung!  So the Deutcher say.  Ron went with me to my doctor today.  We stared at a model of a uterus for a good 15 minutes, discussing various alien-like attributes and then my doctor came in.  He said the septum doesn’t look too bad but it’s there and he can resect it.  I’m scheduled to go in on April 24 with all the pre-op stuff on the 23rd.  Ma Burley is coming and I’m really happy about that.  It will be great to have her here again.  She is bringing her doggies with too.  They are having training issues (poop + pee + carpet) so we will try to help out with that.  We should probably rent a steam cleaner anyways.

So more meds to help me prepare for the surgery and these drugs also make you gain weight.  Hurrah!  More weight gain!  Hahahaa poop.  I picked out a bunch of new healthy recipes to try and made one for tonight.  It was great except I cooked the potatoes way too long.  So it was a very tasty mush.  I was going to take a photograph of my fabulous dinner but it looked like someone shat his pance.  Like I said, very tasty though.

I am doing a Flickr Group Roulette every once in a while now.  Basically one member of the group chooses an interesting and underused group on Flickr.  Today was Geeks and Nerds.  Then you try to compose a shot based on the theme and rules of that group.  Today was pretty damn easy since I can’t help but be a geek/nerd.  I put on my zombie t-shirt (Brains, It’s What’s For Dinner) and fired up Left 4 Dead.  My whole purpose in doing the Roulette is to be challenged to take more than photos of animals.  I won’t be able to do them everyday but a couple a week would be great.  So here is today’s photo:

Sadie tried to help out with some shots but all she really did was lick the inside of my nose:

Oooh!  Chuck is on.  Gotta run!

Posted in Video Games, Family, Hobbies, Health | No Comments »

29. March 2009 by Bex.

I was told on Thursday that my MRI showed a septate uterus so at least I know I get to have the lesser evil of the surgery options.  Hooray, I guess!  Ron is going with me tomorrow to talk to the doctor about what exactly they are going to do, how they are going to do it and when.  I can’t wait to go back to my favorite hospital, OP Regional.  Where they rush you out of the door 10 minutes after you wake up from surgery, whether you can piss on your own or not.  This time not only will my husband be a lot more aggressive with them, but they will have my mother-in-law to deal with as well.  I pity those poor fuckin’ nurses.  I’m looking forward to finding out more tomorrow and getting this over with as soon as possible.

Yesterday we hunkered down, waiting out the sleet and snow.  It’s pretty much all melted today.  I expect that to be end of our shitty weather.  Soon it will be muggy, oppressive and full of mosquitoes.  Maybe we’ll get lucky and get somewhat of a Spring this year.

Today we watched some movies.  To my surprise, I really enjoyed The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.  It’s a documentary about a nice guy named Steven Wiebe who tries to beat Billy Martin’s world record in Donkey Kong:

At first it seems like a comical look at gamer nerds but then it turns into a poignant look at one man’s quest to finally be recognized for something.  I’d love to run into the biggest dork/loser/POS, Billy Martin, someday.  I’d love to tell him what I think of his hairstyle.

This movie streams through the XBox via Netflix so GET IT.  You’ll love it.

We also watched The Golden Compass and Vantage Point.  The Golden Compass was really a great fantasy movie and it sucks that it didn’t do very well at the box office.  I’m not sure there will ever be a sequel and the movie ends in a way that really leaves the viewer hanging.  I need to read the books and find out what is missing.  Vantage Point was pretty annoying but the last action sequence was pretty frickin’ cool.  No spoilers here so I’ll let you see them yourselves.

Other than that, not much is going on.  Steroids are great for adding energy and taking away joint pain.  However they are shit for the waistline.  Fuck.  Maybe I can handle taking them every other day?  I don’t know.  I’m tired of feeling like a stuffed sausage in my jeans.

It’s almost time for my favorite Sunday night trash, Rock of Love.  I just can’t stop watching Bret Michaels spreading around the Hep!

Ewwww.

Posted in Television, Movies, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »

22. March 2009 by Bex.

We watched Saw V and Ghost Town this weekend.  Saw V was yucky but interesting to the whole plot development in the Saw series.  There were the obligatory yucky moments and I even did a “la la la” thing and walked away from the tv.

We also watched Ghost Town which I highly recommend.  It’s about a shallow, funny, British man who dies during a standard procedure but comes back.  After he is discharged from the hospital he sees ghosts.  The biggest presence in his life is the ghost of a character played by Greg Kinnear who was married during his life to a character played by Tea Leoni.  David Duchovny, wtf were you thinking?  Cripes.   What an ass.  Anyways, it was a really sappy and good movie that I think everyone should see.  It’s funny and cute.

What else?  I haven’t been up to much since Friday other than trying to get to the gym and take care of stuff at home.  The gym was great yesterday.  I was able to hit the equipment without much problem.  The only things that were weird were a few people who just wandered around, talking on their cell phones.  Why the fuck go to the gym if all you are going to do is wandering aimlessly, yapping on your phone?  Seems like a complete waste of time.  I did do well, and got a lot done.  Today my joints were in complete pain so I took the day off.  Tomorrow is back to the gym.  I’m not letting this RA shit beat me to the ground.

I’m feeling really good about how far I’ve come.  I’ve pressed through a lot of crappy doctor appointments.  I’ve been through a hellacious relationship crises and financial drama.  And through it all I have quit caring a rat’s ass what people think of me.  Thank.  God.  No more catering to the opinion of online forums and/or strangers.  What a waste of fucking time.  It only took 30 years to grow up but I’m glad I finally did.  No matter what happens, things will be ok.

Posted in Hobbies, General | 1 Comment »

20. March 2009 by Bex.

Every run across someone or something and it’s like you met your cosmic internet twin?  I just found this blog today and am still reading through it.  I have yet to know anything about this woman other than she has gone through a lot of what I’m going through now.  God bless her, if she were in front of me I would cry on her shoulder and hug her.  Her blog is here. (So far what I know about my body is that there is a wall or septum inside my uterus.  I’m not getting pregnant.  My first husband and I tried for a year and a half with no success.  Ron and I have almost been at this almost a year.  I’ve been through an HSG and two laparoscopies for endometriosis.  And all that involves just my reproductive system.  Oh and my reproductive endocrinologist suggested I get tested for the genes that cause breast and ovarian cancer because I might just want to get my ovaries out now.  Nevermind that I thought having my breasts electively cut off at age 27 would be the worst health crisis of my life, but now I need to worry about my ovaries.)

I hope if she ever reads this that she doesn’t mind I cut and pasted the following out of her blog.  I had someone today tell me that she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and only wants to help.  Danielle, I love you too and trust me, just you reaching out to me means the world.  So to everyone, this is pretty much what not to say to a couple facing infertility:

• “Don’t Tell Them to Relax - no amount of relaxing would have dissolved my septum. Nor will it help other people who are struggling with various known and unknown cases of infertility.
• Don’t Minimize the Problem - Talking about all the petty benefits to being childless is a sucky thing to do. (sleeping in, not getting barfed on, going out for beers)
  
• Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen - Great. I already feel shitty, now you are reminding me to feel guilty about my own pain…
• Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents - I don’t believe this crap anyhow.
  
• Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy - This is the motherload. If I have to explain why, then you may possibly be too insensitive to be anyone’s friend. Hope your kid loves you, because you are a piece!”

I went to my MRI today but won’t find out the results until mid to late next week.  Holy crap, I’m so thankful that I’m not clausterphobic.  They lay you down on a table and remotely drive your table into a narrow, plastic tube.  The only preparation you get is to wear ear plugs and head phones because it is incredibly loud.  It’s a repetitive “wah wah wah” sound and it varies in tone depending on what buttons they push (I’m assuming.)  The only really bad part was that towards the end a louder “wah wah wah” sound started, very intense, and I actually FELT my hands tingle and a bubbling in my ribs and abdomen.  It felt like there was something under my skin, in my body cavity, trying to burrow its way out.  I can only describe it as the scene from Alien:

I pressed the call button at this point and asked them if it was normal.  Basically I was told that it is, it DOES happen to some people, but they don’t tell you that ahead of time because they don’t want to freak anyone out anymore then they already are.  Christ.  Luckily the MRI didn’t last an hour but only around 20 minutes in the tube.  I’m still wigged out about that sensation.  Fucking hell.

If you don’t know what to say to me or how to act around me, don’t worry.  To be honest, I’m not even sure wtf to do with myself.  I’m trying to stay positive and take things day by day, or at least procedure by procedure.  I don’t want to be the constant emo, depressive bitch that I feel I am.  I want to be happy Bex, living life to the fullest.  It’s just very hard to have to work so hard to be happy when things feel very frustrating and fucked up.  I promise to keep trying and I hope everyone has patience with me.  I’ll try to have patience with myself too.  As a good friend recently said to me, I have a great husband, pets who love me and good friends.  Thank God for that because I’m really leaning hard on those things right now.

So now what?  Well it’s the weekend and I pissed away my Friday worrying about shit I can’t control instead of going to work.  So I’ll need to do some work this weekend as well as find healthy ways to destress.  I’m seriously considering going to the gun range and taking some photographs.  Oh and we are hitting the gym Saturday and Sunday so I can help my poor joints.  I almost forgot I need to work on keeping the ol’ rheumatoid arthritis at bay.  How old am I again?  80?  Oh yeah, 32.  Ha!

The other great thing I’ve learned from reading the Uterus Divided blog is that I don’t need to apologize for being angry, sad, hurt, frustrated and let’s admit it, a little insane.  I can blog about it and be honest because I know in my heart that I have good times, I laugh, smile and enjoy the world around me.  But dammit, I need a way to get this shit off my chest or the crazy will take over for good.

PS: I’ve set this bad bitch up to take comments even if you aren’t registered.  Don’t make me regret it.

Tschus.

Posted in Infertility, Health | 6 Comments »

19. March 2009 by Bex.

I have a few photos of Ron’s viewpoint of Ambien.  I guess he found me passed out with my book in my hands.  I don’t recall falling asleep but I am aware that it takes me twice as long to get through a book these days.  Oh well, at least I sleep.

Sometimes I wonder about this whole blogging thing.  I am sure some people think I do it because I have some ego, some feeling of self-importance.  Perhaps that what I have to say is so goddamn important that I deserve to post it on a blog.  I’ve also had people tell me not to put anything too important or revealing about myself on the internet.  I guess I never considered that my blogs had anything to say of any real interest.  I just hoped that whatever I had to say would help someone someday or make them laugh.  It’s also been a good outlet for me to vent my feelings.  And by finally making it public, I would be able to quit being a privacy Nazi with the whole thing.  I also hope no one thinks I’m doing it because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, i. e., “woe is me” crap.  I think I have the worst self-esteem.  I hate having the spot light on me so much that I don’t even want someone to feel sorry for me because that is attention I just don’t want.  For every one thing I like about myself, there are 10 that I hate.  Sorry Freud, I just don’t have much of an ego.  I could probably use a little of one but hey, such is life!

So what’s new?  Work is much better now that I’m managing my stress levels finally.  I’m having yet another BLEEPING surgery in about a month.  I’m not too happy about that but hopefully the recovery time will be less than a week.  I’ve never had an MRI before but will have one tomorrow.  No biggie.  Umm….Patton just farted and now my whole immediate air supply is tainted.  Good lord! And I’m completely and utterly ready for the weekend.  I’d really like some time to sleep in and relax.  Then again, wouldn’t we all?

Posted in Health, General | 1 Comment »

10. March 2009 by Bex.

I got home after midnight last night/this morning and we didn’t get to bed until well after that.  Poor Ron had to go to work right away and I went to the doctor.  He looked at my innards and said that my uterus is indeedy divided into two cavities.  I spent two hours there, talking to the specialist, the physician assistant and then the lady who handles all the insurance.  Among considering surgery, the doctor said I need to consider testing for the BRAC I and II genes that pretty much guarantee breast and/or ovarian cancer.  I’ve had the mastectomy but haven’t worried about the ovaries yet.  I thought that having yearly paps would find it in time but I am finding out that isn’t always true.  If you get your genes tested and it’s positive, you can be discriminated against by your insurance company and by employers who don’t want to provide benefits for someone who is going to get cancer someday.  And if it is positive, if I can even PAY for it out of pocket to begin with, then I need to think about getting my ovaries removed.  Blarrrrghhhh.

Anyways, it was good to see family in Arizona.  We ate and drank and hung out in the desert mostly.  We also went to watch some baseball spring training.  The Mariners played the Dodgers and won.  It was interesting even if I am not a huge baseball fan.  The Royals won the day before which was very nice to hear.  It was a quick trip; the family is good and the weather was nice.  I’m home just in time to start freezing my ass off again.  Here are some photos from the trip:

Posted in Family, Health, General | 1 Comment »

4. March 2009 by Bex.

I’m nearly off Cymbalta finally.  I’m taking it every 5 days.  When I hit about day 4, I’m feeling pretty awful.  The brain shocks get really bad but it could be worse.  I’ve also been calling and harassing people at three different clinics for various issues.  I can’t get anyone to call in a prescription for me so I need to go to the doctor in the morning and ask the doctor to physically hand me the prescription.  Grrrr.  I realize they are short staffed due to this uber cold/flu but it’s been three days and I’ve heard nothing.  Bah!

I admit that lately it’s hard to keep my spirits up.  I am glad Ron is good about listening to me vent.  I haven’t made any decisions yet but I’ve read a little on what they do to you for invitro fertilization and it sounds pretty intense.  I’m not sure I want to put my brain and my body through all of that.  None of that is covered by insurance and people can spend thousands on this and never get pregnant.  At least with adoption you eventually come away with a child.  I was thinking about this a lot today while I was researching for an out of state patron.  He is 80 years old and looking for information on his birth parents.  He gave me the names and wanted very basic information on some of the companies the father may have worked on based on some census information.  I didn’t think I’d find anything specific but I found a booklet that contained a photograph of them both.  They were singers who hosted a radio program in the early 1930’s.  I almost cried on the phone when I called this man to tell him that not only did I find his dad’s name in the city directory but I also found an image of both his parents.  He was so excited and promised to keep me updated on the rest of his search.

This was the orphanage that he was adopted through:

You can read more about the history of this place here: http://bedgie.tripod.com/ . This was a “high class” place to tuck away young mothers who were an embarrassment to their families and society because of unwanted/unplanned pregnancies.  It was such a different time and after reading up on this today, I can see why the laws are so strict now.  Crazy stuff.

Posted in History, Health, General | No Comments »

1. March 2009 by Bex.

We celebrated our one-year anniversary yesterday.  Since we got married on the 29th, we decided we’d celebrate on the 28th for three years.  And today is Ron’s birthday.  Happy Birthday!  We are going to have a birthday meal at Joe’s Crabshack later today.  We’ve had a good weekend so far even though Friday I felt just horrible.  I had a sore throat and felt warm.  A good night’s sleep really helped that.  Unfortunately we had to postpone our big plans for a couple of weeks because I was afraid I would ruin it by getting full blown sick.  It’s been tough at work with most of the department sneezing, coughing, etc.  I think the dryness of the air isn’t helping.  Stupid KC weather.

It hella snowed yesterday which was nice.  So far it’s still on the ground but I don’t think that will last long.  The dogs are having a good time out there and we went out with them for a bit to toss snowballs and chase them around.   Last night we watched Lars and the Real Girl.  It’s a great flick and I recommend it if you haven’t seen it.  Very funny and also very sweet.  Just when you think YOU have social problems…

We’ve also been playing Guitar Hero, which I suck at, and House of the Dead: Overkill.  I like trying to sing to the songs on Guitar Hero because I can’t play the f’n guitar or the drums for shit.  Although I sing like a dying animal, at least I have a chance of hitting the right pitches.  Alcohol helps.  House of the Dead: Overkill on Wii is hilarious.  I recommend it for the humor even though the game play kind of sucks.  It’s very Grindhouse with lots of one-liners.  It’s worth renting and playing through in a night.

Final news for the day.  My siblings and dad are all going to meet up at my brother Stew’s house in AZ this week.  I was the only one not going so thanks to our tax return I’m flying out on Friday.  It will just be a quick trip but I think we last all saw each other at once during my oldest niece’s bat mitvah in 2006.  Iam looking forward to seeing everyone.  It’s hard not being able to see my family very often.  Especially now that my brother has such serious health problems.  I wish we were all closer but since we aren’t, it is really important for us to try to see each other more.

I’ll leave you all with some snow photos from the weekend.  Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

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