Wow!

20. March 2009 by Bex.

Every run across someone or something and it’s like you met your cosmic internet twin?  I just found this blog today and am still reading through it.  I have yet to know anything about this woman other than she has gone through a lot of what I’m going through now.  God bless her, if she were in front of me I would cry on her shoulder and hug her.  Her blog is here. (So far what I know about my body is that there is a wall or septum inside my uterus.  I’m not getting pregnant.  My first husband and I tried for a year and a half with no success.  Ron and I have almost been at this almost a year.  I’ve been through an HSG and two laparoscopies for endometriosis.  And all that involves just my reproductive system.  Oh and my reproductive endocrinologist suggested I get tested for the genes that cause breast and ovarian cancer because I might just want to get my ovaries out now.  Nevermind that I thought having my breasts electively cut off at age 27 would be the worst health crisis of my life, but now I need to worry about my ovaries.)

I hope if she ever reads this that she doesn’t mind I cut and pasted the following out of her blog.  I had someone today tell me that she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and only wants to help.  Danielle, I love you too and trust me, just you reaching out to me means the world.  So to everyone, this is pretty much what not to say to a couple facing infertility:

• “Don’t Tell Them to Relax - no amount of relaxing would have dissolved my septum. Nor will it help other people who are struggling with various known and unknown cases of infertility.
• Don’t Minimize the Problem - Talking about all the petty benefits to being childless is a sucky thing to do. (sleeping in, not getting barfed on, going out for beers)
  
• Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen - Great. I already feel shitty, now you are reminding me to feel guilty about my own pain…
• Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents - I don’t believe this crap anyhow.
  
• Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy - This is the motherload. If I have to explain why, then you may possibly be too insensitive to be anyone’s friend. Hope your kid loves you, because you are a piece!”

I went to my MRI today but won’t find out the results until mid to late next week.  Holy crap, I’m so thankful that I’m not clausterphobic.  They lay you down on a table and remotely drive your table into a narrow, plastic tube.  The only preparation you get is to wear ear plugs and head phones because it is incredibly loud.  It’s a repetitive “wah wah wah” sound and it varies in tone depending on what buttons they push (I’m assuming.)  The only really bad part was that towards the end a louder “wah wah wah” sound started, very intense, and I actually FELT my hands tingle and a bubbling in my ribs and abdomen.  It felt like there was something under my skin, in my body cavity, trying to burrow its way out.  I can only describe it as the scene from Alien:

I pressed the call button at this point and asked them if it was normal.  Basically I was told that it is, it DOES happen to some people, but they don’t tell you that ahead of time because they don’t want to freak anyone out anymore then they already are.  Christ.  Luckily the MRI didn’t last an hour but only around 20 minutes in the tube.  I’m still wigged out about that sensation.  Fucking hell.

If you don’t know what to say to me or how to act around me, don’t worry.  To be honest, I’m not even sure wtf to do with myself.  I’m trying to stay positive and take things day by day, or at least procedure by procedure.  I don’t want to be the constant emo, depressive bitch that I feel I am.  I want to be happy Bex, living life to the fullest.  It’s just very hard to have to work so hard to be happy when things feel very frustrating and fucked up.  I promise to keep trying and I hope everyone has patience with me.  I’ll try to have patience with myself too.  As a good friend recently said to me, I have a great husband, pets who love me and good friends.  Thank God for that because I’m really leaning hard on those things right now.

So now what?  Well it’s the weekend and I pissed away my Friday worrying about shit I can’t control instead of going to work.  So I’ll need to do some work this weekend as well as find healthy ways to destress.  I’m seriously considering going to the gun range and taking some photographs.  Oh and we are hitting the gym Saturday and Sunday so I can help my poor joints.  I almost forgot I need to work on keeping the ol’ rheumatoid arthritis at bay.  How old am I again?  80?  Oh yeah, 32.  Ha!

The other great thing I’ve learned from reading the Uterus Divided blog is that I don’t need to apologize for being angry, sad, hurt, frustrated and let’s admit it, a little insane.  I can blog about it and be honest because I know in my heart that I have good times, I laugh, smile and enjoy the world around me.  But dammit, I need a way to get this shit off my chest or the crazy will take over for good.

PS: I’ve set this bad bitch up to take comments even if you aren’t registered.  Don’t make me regret it.

Tschus.

Posted in Infertility, Health | 6 Comments »