27. June 2009 by Bex.

We just finished watching a Netflix movie that I stupidly rented: An American Crime.  It’s about a very disturbed woman who took in two teens as borders and with the help of her own children and neighborhood kids, tortured and killed one of the teens.  True story, happened in Indiana in 1965.  I cried at the end because it was so f’d up and it reminded me of some shit I read while working at the Nebraska State Penitentiary.  That must have been one of the worst jobs I’ve ever had, way worse then telemarketing!

So what happens when you get a bachelor of arts degree in history?  Nothing.  Jack shit.  You can’t get a job with a BA in history.  I signed up with the State of Nebraska to take temporary jobs.  One of the jobs I obtained was working in the records office of the State Penitentiary.  Talk about an intimidating place to work.  I think I had diarrhea almost every day while I was there.  The Pen is located on the original land where it was built in the late 1800’s.  It used to be a self-sustaining farm, with barns, fields, cattle…the works.

It’s a whole other world.  I can’t really explain it fully but I will try.  When you walk into work everyday, you go through this little alcove that takes you down some stairs.  From there you walk through a hallway to the security desk.  Basically this hallway takes you underground, underneath the fence and into the penitentiary, or the “secure area.”  Once you get to the desk you have to show the security officers the inside of your lunch bag, your purse or anything else they ask to see.  If you have anything perceived as contraband, you have to leave it at the desk.  For instance, no butter knives from home.  No perfume.  No sharp objects (obviously.)  You also have to show your badge.  Then you get buzzed into the office.

The offices are all on the “safe” side.  There aren’t cells or inmates on that side.  Unless you consider the community corrections inmates they bus in everyday to clean the offices.  Because these people are hanging around, temps like me were never allowed to be left alone at any time.  I had to be escorted everywhere.  Permanent employees went through a rigorous self-defense class.  We also had to keep letter openers and scissors locked in our desks when not in use.  Every month a guard would come through and ask to see inside this drawer and if your shit wasn’t in there, you were in big trouble.

There were other offices on the “secure” side, like the warden’s office.  The cafeteria and vending machines were also over there, as well as the place where inmates were processed for transfer, parole, etc.  Any time I went on that side, I was escorted by a permanent employee.  You had to go through a door controlled by a guard in a booth.  Once inside, you would wait for the door behind you to close completely and then the guard would open the door in front of you to enter the secure side.  I went over there to eat my lunches a couple times and also to watch an inmate transfer.  I never ate the cafeteria food because the inmates cooked and served the food.  Shortly after I started, the State ruled it was ok for inmates with Hepatitis to work in the cafeteria.  Um, no thanks.

Every time an inmate moved around the facility or went to court, a piece of paper was generated.  It was my job to file all the paperwork into the inmate files.  I also processed FBI reports on inmates into a database.  Because I had access to all the files, and because I was bored and curious, I often read PSI’s and other information.  PSI’s are Pre-Sentence Investigations.  When a person was convicted, a PSI was done to help figure out the appropriate sentence and what kind of facility he/she should be housed in.  If they had a violent past, they were put in a medium or maximum facility.  If they were a first time offender or had a fairly good past, they were put into a minimum security environment.  I read some scary shit in those reports.  I saw autopsy photos.  I read about violent crimes, child molestation, rape, abuse, murder, you name it.  Some of that stuff has stuck with me.  Maybe that’s why I love scary monster/zombie/vampire/stupid movies.  They aren’t real.  I can get a thrill or a laugh or scared without feeling like the world is a horrible, evil place.

I’m not sure how any of the people who work there can stay there for very long.  I noticed that some of them were not much different then the inmates.  Some were wonderful, sincere people.  A lot of them were cynical, twisted, adulterous, f’d up people.  I heard about affairs between employees, between employees and inmates, etc.  One guy who managed the maximum security section joked about the guards needing shooting practice:  better toss a couple inmates over the fence so they can shoot at them from the towers.  Now, understand that there is a lot of stress in this profession and I think the sick jokes were what kept people going sometimes.  But I realized if I stayed there, I would become as jaded as everyone else.  I didn’t want that for myself.  I applied for and was granted admission to graduate school so I stuck it out until school started that fall.

One thing I did before I left was to go on a tour of the facility with the new hire guards.  I was the only female in the group.  It lasted three hours and I didn’t even see everything.  We went to the medical facility, through the cafeteria, to the minimum security section, medium and then maximum security.  We also saw where the inmates made license plates and where the wood shop was.  We saw the old cemetary and the old animal barns.  Let me tell you that walking through the yard with all the inmates around me was scary.  It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done.  They said some sick shit to me, offensive things.  And by the time I quit working there, the inmates knew my name.  Somehow, they know who you are.  They find out shit about you.  A year after I worked there, I had a collect call from an inmate that I refused.  Nice, huh?

Ever see the movie, Boys Don’t Cry?  A transgendered woman lives like a man and the crowd she hung out with found out.  Two assholes raped her and the sheriff didn’t do shit for her when she filed a report.  So the assholes murdered her and two of her friends.  Well the assholes were at the Pen during my time there and I heard all about all the women who sent John Lotter money and love letters.  And the homophobe of a sheriff?  He’d pretty much been demoted and came in one day for an inmate transfer.  He’s a POS lackey now.

I did mention to a guard once that I’d never seen ‘Ol Sparky.  He offered to show me and being the curious person I am, I agreed.  Turns out it is right behind the security desk, where you first walk in.  It’s pretty unremarkable but definitely something you don’t see everyday.

It’s actually in a room about the size of a closet.  I don’t think they still use it as a primary means of execution.  I used to be on the fence about the death penalty.  Then I worked at the Pen.  I support it now.

I guess looking back it was a positive experience for the most part.  I have a greater appreciation for law enforcement personnel and corrections people.  I guess it’s just not the job for me.  But it was a really interesting look at a portion of society I never knew about.

So that’s my story.  I spent time in the Nebraska State Penitentiary.

Posted in Nebraska, Crime, Work | 1 Comment »

27. June 2009 by Bex.

I spent most of yesterday feeling like hell but I made it through the work day.  I talked to a nurse at the rheumatologist’s office and she told me they have no idea how to get me off Cymbalta if the taper dose I’m on isn’t working.  Go back to the general physician or detox through a psychiatrist.  Wow.  Talk about passing the buck.  I’m a fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis patient and even though she didn’t initially prescribe this to me, I thought she would at least try to help.  The problem with going back to the GP is that I’ve had to educate her on this drug.  My last hope before going to a head doctor is to see if a nuerologist will see me.  I’m so angry that doctors put people on this shit with no idea about side effects and withdrawal symptoms, especially since this was supposed to be a temporary treatment.  I was so mad about this, I actually called a couple law offices.  That got me absolutely no where though.

I needed to unwind last night so I could relax.  Ron and I turned on the Wii and played a little Legend of Zelda.  That was my first game ever on the NES.  I loved that game.  The damn thing scrambled on me before I could get the last piece of the Tri-force.  I was so pissed!  What else is a little emo kid to do?  I figured I should try to beat the game finally.

I can’t believe how much I remember!  I remember where most of the underworlds are and how to find the secret rooms.  We played until we made it through four or five levels.  Maybe Ron and I are just easily amused but it was fun!  Hell, I’m just happy when I can successfully blow off a bad day.

I guess we better get off our lazy butts and run some errands.  Woooooooo….have a good weekend!

Posted in Cymbalta, Video Games, Health | 2 Comments »

25. June 2009 by Bex.

I’m not even sure how long I’ve been trying to get off Cymbalta but it feels like forever.  After missing yet another day of work, I called my rheumatologist.  However she’s out of the office so I have to wait, but I’m hoping she has some good advice for me.  The withdrawal symptoms are hell.  The nurse I talked to said she hears from a lot of people that this drug is hard to come off of.  All the research I’ve done on the internet about coming off this drug and there are fucking support groups for people to get off Cymbalta.  I feel like such an idiot for not finding this out before I took the drug.  Look!  There are even books written on how to get off this drug:

Here are some of the symptoms I’m experiencing that I found on a website:

Dysarthria – The inability to control the mouth muscles when forming words so the words are not clearly spoken and heard.

Insomnia – Not able to fall asleep or sleeping for a shorter time than desired, thus not being able to properly rest and feeling un-refreshed.  As a result, a person can become irritable, have difficulty concentrating and feel a lack of energy.  This can be caused by stimulants such as by caffeine or drugs or by mental anxiety and stress.  Mental stress can be communicated and relieved.

Mood Swings – An emotional shifting as from a state of happiness to a state of depression for a period of time.

Night Sweats – The water-salt, waste product the skin releases is called sweat or perspiration.   With night sweats you become wide awake in the middle of the night shivering and cold and wet with your sheets/pajamas soaked in perspiration making it difficult to go back to sleep.

I am so mad about this whole situation.  I hate drug companies, I think they are worse than politicians because they are entrusted with people’s health yet they push their shit on doctors and patients without disclosing side effects, etc.  This crap is wreaking my life right now and I hate it.  I feel pretty hopeless and depressed right now and since life is pretty good, I can only imagine it’s this damned drug.  I’m also irritable as all hell.  I’m a barrel of fun!!!

Would a methodone clinic help?  I’m only half kidding.

Posted in Cymbalta, Health | No Comments »

15. June 2009 by Bex.

The rain held off long enough for us to participate in the Dog N Jog down in the Country Club Plaza.  True to form, Patton whined and peed the whole way.  He was very good natured, letting strangers pet him, letting other dogs sniff at him and a big puppy even smacked him in the face with its paw a few times.  There were 1000 dogs registered to walk with their humans.  Lots of poop and pooper scoopers were there.  It felt good to support a good cause.  Maybe next year I’ll run it.

Not much else to report.  We ran a lot of errands on Saturday and yesterday we put up a book shelf.  So far it’s holding all my Bruce Campbell stuff and sort of looks like a shrine, according to Ron.  *geek*

Have a good week everyone!  I’m going to load up on Percocet and listen to the thunderstorm.

Posted in Bruce Campbell, Charity, Animals, Dogs, Animal Welfare | No Comments »

10. June 2009 by Bex.

My loving husband, sick and humorous as he is, shared this blog with me today.  If you are having a shitty day, pun intended, read this.  Read it even if you are in a good mood.  You will laugh your ass off!

http://www.zug.com/live/81557/The-Alli-Experiment.html

Not much new to report.  It is supposed to rain on Sunday, well thunderstorm, and we are supposed to participate in the Dog’N'Jog 5K that day.  We are taking Patton with us but he hates thunderstorms.  I hope it doesn’t rain until later in the day.  Regardless, we have already paid the registration fee, thus contributing to the charity whether we go or not.  But hopefully all will go well.  I’m looking forward to it.  (By the way, we are walking it, not running.  I suck at running!)

Here’s the facebook link to the fundraising page: http://www.firstgiving.com/rebeccamartzburley?ref=facebook&type=app

Feel free to contribute if you would like!

Posted in Zug, Animals, Blogs, Dogs, Animal Welfare | 7 Comments »

8. June 2009 by Bex.

I swear, the more I try to assert myself as a professional, the more resistance I get.  I kind of feel like the TP to wipe up after the pee-ons.  I don’t think that those in control of this aspect of my life are doing it because they know my background and truly believe me to be incompetent.  I think it’s being done because of outside personal influences.  Sorry to be so amiguous but I don’t want to get too detailed.  Basically I have a passion at work, I try to implement my passion at my work and I feel I do a good job of it, and someone thinks (without merit) that I suck at it.  So this person squashes anything and everything I do in relation to it.

One thing I’ve learned by having chronic illnesses is that you have to choose your battles.  Stress is the ultimate enemy.  It makes everything worse; magnifies pain, heightens emotions, saps energy.  In other words, fuck it.  This isn’t worth it.

All I really want to do is take photographs and be a mom.  Those things matter more than work drama.

Frozen pizza awaits!  Ahhh it’s the little shit that makes me happy.

Posted in General | 1 Comment »

6. June 2009 by Bex.

It turns out that attending a Zombie Walk was extremely therapeutic.  I needed a good laugh and I also needed to force myself out of my comfort zone.

I posted on the Kansas City group on Flickr about this and met up with a few of the wonderful people who frequent that group.  By watching them, I felt more comfortable to walk up to strangers and take their photos.  I have a really hard time doing that.  I also knew a couple of the zombies, who were absolutely hilarious.  There were zombies of all kinds: Santa Claus, nurses, Shaun of the Dead replete with cricket bat, a Smoker and Hunter from Left 4 Dead and even a guy with an Evil Dead lunch box.  A man after my own heart….err, brain.

The best part of the whole walk was that not only did we walk through the First Fridays fancy art crowd, but we also hit a Gay Pride street party.  Zombies + gays + techno music + snobs = a freakin’ blast.  A very kick ass street DJ kicked some Thriller for us as we went past.  There were cheers, laughter, sneers, looks of disgust and a few shrieks from the crowd.  If you ever have a chance to watch or participate in something like this, I highly recommend it.

Since I over think everything and tend to live inside my Emo brain, I learned something from this whole event.  I’ve been sitting around my house, waiting for people to want to hang out with me, wanting to do something different.  I got tired of waiting for last minute invitations.  I was so geeked yesterday because of the Imagekind thing and I was surprised that the people I really counted on as friends, couldn’t have cared less.  I guess it’s a schadenfreunde situation; when something goes really well for me, I can’t find many people to celebrate with.  Maybe when my health is bad and I’m miserable, I make people feel better about themselves.  Hahahaaa, anyways.  It’s my fault for not being more outgoing and trying to branch out with people of similar interests.  I can’t change people into the friends I’m looking for.  That would be….stupid!

Here are some photos from the night.  For more, see www.flickr.com/photos/ndbex.  The first one is of the KC mayor, who just faced a recount petition.  He and his wife are not very well liked in the city with some people although I think he’s a pretty good mayor.  He and the City Council just need to quit bickering like children and get onto real business.  GO FUNKHOUSER!   Have a good weekend everyone!  I’m off to a cookout.  Tschus!

Posted in General | 3 Comments »

4. June 2009 by Bex.

I started an account on Imagekind.com a while ago.  It’s a lot like art.com but anyone can upload images to sell.  It’s also a great way of connecting with other artists, most of whom are commercial artists.  Also people start accounts there so they can print and frame their images.  Everyday they feature certain artists and artwork and today one of mine is there.  I’m really happy and excited about it.  I’ve been in a creative slump lately and this was just the motivation I needed to continue.

I have a couple photography field trips planned.  I’d like to visit some of the area historic cemeteries.  There is also a KC Zombie Walk tomorrow downtown.  What a cool opportunity to get some unique shots!  Here is the link: http://www.myspace.com/kczombies.  I think it will be unique and fun and it coincides with First Friday in the Crossroads Art District.  http://www.kccrossroads.org/  I’ll be sure to post images later.

I also want to mention today that I got a bunch of free tickets to the Narnia exhibit.  If any of the locals are interested in going, I can give you a ticket or two.  Please let me know and I’ll hook you up!  I think it’s safe to say that the success of the exhibit will help to extend my job and the jobs of many others.  Kind of a big deal.

That’s my exciting news.  I have to say I’m tickled freakin’ pink about the photo site.  It really makes me want to keep trying.  I never expect to make a dime from anything I shoot.  I’m simply doing it because I love it.  It’s a great outlet for an introvert like me.

I leave you with my favorite youtube video of the day, Advanced Cat Yodeling:

Posted in Photography, Work, Museum Exhibits, Hobbies | No Comments »