31. December 2009 by Bex.

This morning I was having a nightmare…something about being in a house and not being able to go near windows or doors because a killer was taking out the inhabitants of the house.  It was scary and gory.  All the sudden I felt Ron grip my leg and it sounded like Rowdy was gasping.  Ron whipped off the covers and headed to his bed while I turned on the light.  Rowdy was having a seizure.  I’ve never seen anyone or any animal have one before.  I managed to get the strap of a backpack in his mouth to try to stop him from clamping down on his tongue.  Then I ran and got the number for the emergency vet while Ron tried to comfort Rowdy.  I just bawled and bawled.  By the time we got him in the car and drove to the vet about 4AM, his seizure had stopped.

All while I held him in the car I kept thinking “this is it.  Today we say goodbye to him.”  But the vet said we had the option to watch him and if he seizes again, to get him on some medication.  They ran some bloodwork and talked to us about all the options we have.  We chose to take him home and observe him until our regular vet opened up.  Ron talked to our vet and he said the same things.  Right now we are just going to watch him; see how he eats, if he is disorientated, in pain, can go to the bathroom, etc.  I just wish he could slip away quietly in his sleep and take away the decision from us.

So here we sit, watching him pace around the house, then he gets tired and lays down.  He’s eating and wanting to be petted so that’s good.  I feel pretty horrible right now.  Such is life.

Posted in Dogs | 2 Comments »

30. December 2009 by Bex.

I should be trying to eat better and clean out my system after pigging out so much over Christmas.  We didn’t do a damn thing but eat and play video games.  I got my wish for a white Christmas and we were snowed in.  So far the roads are pretty passable which is good when one must make it to work.  I’d rather be snowed in at home though.  The dogs liked their snow time and it was very beautiful outside.  I’m ready for the weekend already though as I’ve been fighting a lovely sinus infection and finally succumbed to antibiotics.  They are kicking my ass.

Here are some photos from our Christmas.  Nothing terribly exciting but at least it was peaceful.

The drainage ditch behind the house.  I cropped out the rotted mattress someone threw down there about a year and a half ago.

We didn’t exactly primp for our photo shoot but dammit we still look cute.

Sadie enjoyed playing catch with the snowballs.

Ron has quite the smart ass sense of humor.  Good thing Rowdy was protected on the other side of the glass.

Here is Rowdy taking a nap the other day.  He’s so old and losing weight.  Not because of anything in particular but because he hates his bland diet.  So tonight he had boiled rice and cooked ground beef.  Lucky guy, eh?

This is typically what Patton looks like when I wake up on the weekends.  We sleep in together.  And nap together.  He curls up in a little brindle ball and snoozes on the bed.

Final dog photo for the day.  Last Monday was Sadie’s 13th birthday.  My baby is a teenager now.

So other then snow and pets, we’ve been playing a lot of video games.  We are almost done with Mario on the Wii.  The final Bowser section SUCKS.  This game was a lot harder then any other Mario games I’ve played.  I think it’s mostly because trying to coordinate on a platform game with someone else playing is not easy.  Both of us try to jump in the same spot at the same time.  There is much cursing in this game.

We also made it through one run of Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles.  I like how they brought elements from several other RE games.  It was pretty fun and the shaky camera made head shots harder yet more enjoyable.  I would like to run through it again at a harder setting.

Finally, we made it through Left 4 Dead 2 which was a lot more fun then the first one.  The ai’s were annoying as shit but the weapons were better and the levels were a little longer.  I especially like the melee weapons which included a frying pan, guitar and chainsaw.

So I don’t have a lot more to share.  Well, someone asked me to photograph her in a tasteful, nude shoot.  That was unexpected.  I don’t mind doing it though as nudity really doesn’t bother me that much as long as I’m the one behind the camera.  I definitely need more lessons with the camera though and I think my peeps in the local KC Flickr group are going to be a big help.  Gotta love networking with others through the net.  It’s been a life saver for me with all my social phobias and tendencies to hole myself up in my house 24-7.  Hey who knows.  Maybe I’ll get a side biz taking nudies of people.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  “Not now junior, mommy has to take photographs of people’s junk.”  That would rock.

Be well dear friends.

Tschus.

Posted in Photography, Flickr, Dogs, Video Games, Health | 1 Comment »

19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »