Lethargy/Self-pity

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »