27. June 2010 by Bex.

The more I try to keep drama out of my life, the worse it gets.  It would help if I could keep my damn mouth shut.  But whenever I feel there’s been an injustice, a misunderstanding, a wrong inflicted, I open my big, fat mouth.  If I could just look the other way I am sure my life would be quieter.  I think living with someone who has an anger problem and internalizing all our problems made me go a bit too far to the opposite side after the divorce.  I never wanted to feel like I didn’t stand up for myself because I was afraid of creating problems or confronting someone.  Never again, I swore.  Maybe sometimes it’s more helpful to just stfu.

Pain.   Pain is a good diet aid.  I’ve lost about 4 lbs in the last two weeks because everything I eat lately upsets my stomach and I hurt so much all the time.  I’ve cried more this week than I have since my divorce.  Luckily the patronizing nurse at my doctor’s office put through my request to schedule the surgery for earlier by ten days.  So right after I get home from ND, I have the Pinups for Pit Bulls photo shoot and then surgery the following Monday.  Yippee!  I just want it over with and then to figure out the next step.  And honestly, I’m really looking foward to getting this damned system out of my body.

It’s also been a very animal-centric time at our house.  Ratchet was ill for a while and the second opinion vet at least got us a bronchial dilating medicine which has been super helpful.  He’s not cured but he’s much for comfortable and he’s more alert and happier.  Patton threw up on the bed yesterday which necessitated a trip to our local laundrymat.  That was an unpleasant experience.  (I hate laundrymats.)  Then today, Sadie threw up twice in front of us.  I think Patton horked because he was trying to mow the lawn on his own and Sadie did because she ate a treat and then contorted herself to lick her ass for ten minutes straight.  I think the position she was in did not aid digestion.  So no one is really sick, but you know pets. 

Rowdy is good.  He’s still hanging onto life with his ten teeth.

This is a pretty normal pose for the guy.  Old dogs don’t have the best kidneys so you have to take him out a lot.  We were firing up the grill when Rowdy decided this was outdoors enough for him to do his “thing.”

Tuesday I’ll be back in Dickinson.  I’m flying home until the 5th because some relatives will be in Hebron, and the old gang will be back in Dix.  It’s been 5 years since I’ve been home so this will be really weird.  I think my dad is happy about it and it will be good to spend some time with him on his turf.  Plus I hear Dix has grown a lot and I’m sure there will be some new things going on.  Well, probably lots of the same stuff but just….newer.  I hope to take mass amounts of photos of family, the old gang and the Badlands.  I’m sure there will be much posting of photos when I return.  

Finally, I picked up a copy of Zombies of Mass Destruction at my local Wal-hole.  I was looking at it when approached by a fellow nerd, employed by Wal-hole.  We geeked out on a discussion of zombie movies and whether or not anyone should bother with doing a Bubba Ho-tep sequel with no Bruce Campbell.  He told me that he heard there is one helluva hit and run scene in Zombies of Mass Destruction but he hadn’t seen it yet.  So Ron and I watched it last night. 

If you watch it, remember that it’s an independent film.  That being said, I totally recommend it just for the hit and run scene.  We laughed our asses off.  The movie differs in other zombie flicks in a couple key ways: the zombie outbreak is treated like a terrorist attack by the general public and two of the heroes are gay characters.  Just the gay guys are great to watch; likeable and funny.  The effects aren’t bad either.  The acting however is much like what you’d see in stage theatre.  It’s a little over the top and the lines are read much like in a play.  Not that it’s a bad thing.  I’ve seen two zombie plays and really liked them.  It’s just a different method of delivery and once you get used to it, you can have fun with it.  Ron thought the jokes were few and far between but I loved it.  For $9, it’s fun to watch and it adds to the collection.

That’s all I got for now, or all I’m willing to type up.  :)  Hope all is well for everyone out there!  Tschus.

Posted in zombies, Endometriosis, Animals, Dogs, Family | 3 Comments »

21. June 2010 by Bex.

We are closing to making a decision on wtf to do with my jerk-ass uterus. 

I had my ultrasound and basically they found fluid behind the uterus again and some cysts.  My doc thinks I shouldn’t be making cysts as I’ve been on birth control since last fall.  I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.  My uterus is also enlarged.  I guess it’s been taking illegal steroids or something.  She also said it’s possible that the type of endometriosis I have could be in the muscles or just making cysts and scar tissue.  Unless they do some biopsies, they just can’t tell.  The intramuscular type is harder to treat apparently.  Hahahhaaa seriously.  Great.

I refused the Lupron.  I don’t want to risk it with my RA and I don’t care to risk gaining a lot of weight, joint pain, and TEH CRAZY.  So at the rate I’m at, I will have surgery to clear out the adhesions about every 1.5 years.  Or I can have our kid now and get this shit removed for good.  We are going to consult with high risk pregnancy and fertility doctors.  Depending on what they say, we’ll make our decision.  This shit is coming out though…it’s just a matter of time.  I’m pretty damned tired of dealing with it.  Take it out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surgery to clear things out for now will happen mid-July.  Hopefully I don’t miss too much work so that I can keep my job.  I’m hoping for a quick recovery. 

I’ve been on so much pain medicine lately that I can’t even think of what else to post right now.  So tired.  Ratchet’s been sick.  So between medicating him and Rowdy, I sometimes forget to take my own shit.  Whoops. 

However I did do something rather interesting last week.  I was in St. Joseph for work and stopped by the Glore Psychiatric Museum which is this very disjointed exhibit in an old asylum.  It’s creepy as shit  and just weird.

Here are some photos:

The morgue

Stomach contents of a compulsive swallower.

Two-way observation mirror.

Salem’s way of dealing with the insane.

Electro-shock therapy

You can see the rest of the photos on my Flickr.  It’s a cheap entrance fee and very interesting.  I recommend it.

Other than that, I’m doing well.  Ron just got a new job that he starts in a couple weeks.  He’s pretty excited and this will be a step up for him.  I’ve also just felt so stressed that I have no tolerance for bull shit anymore.  And just for little things.  I’d rather just confront a problem or person directly than to play stupid mind games.  I’ve realized how uncomfortable this makes people.  I guess this world has become so passive/aggressive that most people can’t handle direct confrontation.  I’m sure if I had more patience, I could be a little more tactful at times.  Oh well. 

Take care everyone.

Tschus.

Posted in Endometriosis, Museum Exhibits, History | 2 Comments »

4. June 2010 by Bex.

My last stitching project for the Flickr Phat Quarter swap.  I took this from a drawing posted on the web:

Zen Kitty and his garden of zen poop is now residing in England.  Not sure what I’ll do next!

Posted in Embroidery, Flickr | No Comments »

4. June 2010 by Bex.

…again?

Ultrasound on Monday because of bad pelvic pain.  I’m sure some people would love to be on pain killers everyday, but I hate it.  It makes me tired, out of it and constipated.  My gut looks like I swallowed a 10 pound ham.  It’s disgusting.  I’m not sure if the ultrasound is going to change the fact I still need to have surgery again, but oh well.  Maybe there is an alien growing in there or something.

The new dilemma is whether or not to go ahead with Lupron afterwards.  Lupron is a drug that puts you into a chemical menopause.  It’s typically given in a 3 month shot but I’m told there is now a one month version.  Treatment usually lasts for 6 months, with a shot each month.  Typical side effects are hot flashes, insomnia, depression, dizziness, bone loss, irritability, feeling like you want to fucking kill someone, etc.  With the bone loss, some people have horrible body and/or joint pain.  My first doctor told me without Lupron, she’d see me six months after surgery and that was the only option she gave me.  I switched docs.  My current doctor is very good about not pushing me into it.  But I may have no choice anymore.

Fortunately they do what is call “add back therapy” which adds a little progesterone and estrogen therapy to this.  Not that it makes sense.  Lupron starves the body of estrogen to shrink and halt the growth of adhesions.  But being put into sudden menopause, especially when you are young, isn’t easy on the body so they add some hormones back into it to lessen the blow, so to speak.

Some women have no pain after treatment, and some women have a return of their pain when therapy ceases.  Most of the reviews that I’ve read have been horror stories.  Horrible hot flashes, osteoporosis, mania, fatigue, joint pain, etc.I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid I’ll never be able to have kids.  Right now to even THINK about getting pregnant, I’ll have to go off every medication I’m on except for my thyroid drug.  Then after about 3 months, we can try.  How can you try to get knocked up when it hurts to try?  There is always a turkey baster, which is an option.  Can I survive without any of my medications for up to a year?

So if I decide I can’t do this, should I just have the hysterectomy?  I know this is where I’m heading someday but even that is not fool-proof.  The growths can be anywhere in your pelvis and they react to natural or supplemented hormones.  And because it’s sometimes microscopic, one can’t be sure that it was all lasered out during surgeries.

So wtf am I supposed to do with myself?  Anyone have any suggestions?  I’ve read everything from yeast-free diets to having a baby to supplements to menopause/hysterectomy.   I’ve been sitting here crying because I don’t know what to do anymore.  If we do adopt, I’ll still have this condition and I need to deal with it.  I’m so fucking tired of dealing with it.  And you know what?  Having a positive attitude doesn’t make it go away.  Exercise doesn’t make it go away.  I’d like to hold onto both but let’s face it, they aren’t making a shit ton of difference.

I know, I know.  I’m only 33 years old, there’s plenty of time.  Well there really isn’t when you come down to all the fucking planning and preparation we will have to do.  And spending a bunch of money on medical bills doesn’t really give you a lot to save up for normal, everyday things like a house, car repairs, vet bills, etc. let alone adoption.  Any old crack addict can have a baby or six but you have to be wealthy to adopt a baby.

I know my husband will support whatever I choose to do but I know he wants to be a dad.  And he would be a great dad.  And I am so resentful and angry and exhausted trying to make these decisions.

*sigh*

So anyways, I thought I’d take some photos of how fucking stupid my insurance company is.  The shot I take each month for my rheumatoid arthritis is very expensive.  Because of that, the insurance monkeys said I have to order my shot through their prescription services.  They overnight my shot to me each month in a cooler.  Here is how much packaging they are wasting, not to mention how expensive it must be to overnight a box this size:

So there ya go.  Not exactly upbeat but oh well.  I’m trying to keep perspective on it all but every time I am about to have surgery, I start to get panic attacks.  I know I’ll absolutely freak the fuck out once I get in the prep room.  What fun!

Tschus.

Posted in Lupron, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health, General | 2 Comments »