19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

17. August 2009 by Bex.

Here is my little recap for the last week or so:

Last week was hell as far as health goes but this is a new week!  I was a shit-load of pain from endo and arthritis last week but thankfully, these things aren’t an everyday problem for me.  Shit could always be worse!

Ma Burley came on Friday night and we chilled out together on Saturday and went to the Harrah’s casino Saturday night.  What a culture shock!  I did see plenty of casinos in Vegas but it just seemed different because it was here in KC.  I lost $50 in the slots which sucked and the drinks were $5, not free like Vegas.  Casinos are fun for a few hours but after that, I’ve had my fill.  It’s loud, reeks of smoke and there are people EVERYWHERE.  Not a great place for recluses like myself.  Her visit was too quick but it was really great to see her again.

My Etsy hasn’t sold anything yet however I think I have a few interested in “Ass, the other Vagina.”  I have a couple private requests also that I need to get started on.  I’m excited about that because it’s fun to make these but even more fun to know that people are going to put it in their homes soon.  As soon as payday gets here, I am off to the crafy store again to get supplies.  I’m geeked!

Speaking of stitchery, I finished my first photo-to-embroidery project.  Here is the result and a comparison of the original photo to the cloth and thread result:

I felt pretty good about the overall end-product.  This has been a complete learning experience for me and I see what I need to work on now.  I have ideas for the next embroidery project already!  I like the idea of taking my photography and doing something more with it.  My ultimate goal is to get a gallery show.  I think I’m on my way as *enter drumroll* I’m going to be featured in the near future on Stitchgasm.  ACK!!!!  This is exciting to me although most of you probably don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.  See the following website: http://www.mrxstitch.com/  I am not sure what day it will be, but one of the people who works on this newsletter is a woman known as Beefrank.  She is a witty, creative genius and her work makes me laugh a lot!  You can see her work on Flickr by going to http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/.  If you appreciate humor, talent and witicisms, please check out her stuff!  Also, subscribe to Mr. X Stitch via the site or Facebook.  (He is also megacool and a Brit!)  This stuff absolutely feeds me inspiration as well as making me laugh.  I can’t believe how creative people can be and it is freakin’ awesome to see so many talented people out there producing so much stuff.  Ok sorry, I got a little carried away!!

Add that to a confirmation email I received about enrollment in a free digital photography course and I’m about to implode!  Whoopee!

All right, enough of that crazy shit.  As always, I hope everyone is well.  Catch ya later, tschus!

Posted in Cross stitch, Embroidery, Needlework, Stitchgasm, Photography, Flickr, Hobbies, Family, Blogs, Health | No Comments »

11. May 2009 by Bex.

Our weekend went pretty well.  Ron and I came to the conclusion that we weren’t getting out and doing anything fun anymore.  In an effort to save money, and due to laziness, we’ve been staying home most weekends.  But we’ve grown lethargic, cranky and bored.  My health problems have compounded the issue and we quit communicating.  I have to say that when a spouse has a chronic illness, the marriage is really affected.  It’s stressful on both people and it just wears everyone out.  Also the outside pressure we, or I, feel to have a baby is getting to be too much.  If it’s going to happen, it will.  I am so tired of hearing about it.  Anyways, we were able to recognize the issues and talk about it.

So in an effort to get out and have a good time together, we went to Fork & a Screen at the AMC Theatre.  Basically you can watch a movie, have a beer and have table side food service.  We saw Star Trek and it was awesome.  I was really worried that the movie would suck, as a lot of prequels do.  However the plot was interesting and the actors were spot on with their characters.  I was really surprised how well Zachary Quinto did as Spock.   Simon Pegg was a great Scottie too.  I recommend the movie even if you aren’t sci fi geeks like we are.  Here’s one of the trailers.  Have a good Monday!

Posted in Movies, Family, Health, General | No Comments »

4. May 2009 by Bex.

Ron’s mom left on Friday; she stayed about a week.  The day after, my ex’s daughter came over for the night.  So we had one night of lounging around in our underwear before we had another guest.  I took her to see Aliens vs Monsters which was pretty cute.  Ten dollars a piece though for admission which is nuts.  This is why I don’t normally go to movies.

Since I’ve been so cooped up in the house, I convinced R and Ron to take the dogs to the park with me.  It’s just a small arboretum and fishing pond/lake.  There’s a huge playground of course but I don’t take the mutts through that part.  It was so nice to get out!  I was surprised that Rowdy was able to make it around the lake.  He was so happy to get out that I decided to take him out again today.  I’m always afraid to walk him too much because of his hips but I think a little exercise is really good for him.

Of course, Sadie took a dip in the lake.  She was nice and rank for the ride home.

My health is ok.  I saw the rheumatologist today and they said to keep up the ‘roids.  Goodie!  (/sarcasm)  Since there doesn’t appear to be any bone damage yet, I don’t need any of the major drugs you see on television commercials.  Thank.  God.  So that’s good news.  Also, I’m still healing from the surgery.  The bruises had all turned a nice sickly yellow but then I wore my jeans for half a day.  Sad to say they were/are too tight.  I ended up bruising myself all over again just from putting compression on the swelling.  Kinda sick actually.  I guess I’ll have to wear my “fat” pants for a while.

(Holy shit, is that ice cream truck just PARKED outside my house?  Ice cream truck music is reaaaaally annoying.)

I’m actually kind of looking forward to work tomorrow.  Weird!  Part of me wants more time to rest and part of me just wants out of the house.  I have done some work from  home and kept up on my work email.  Things are starting to pile up so I really want to get back and start taking care of some research requests.  Maybe I just want to feel useful and keep my job.

Since I’ve had time off, I’ve been trying to take part in more photo theme days on Flickr.   I’m not very creative but I’m having fun trying!  The first was a “robot” theme and the second was “The Big Lebowski.”

Rat vs Robot

“Jesus”

 Happy freakin’ Monday!

Posted in Flickr, Dogs, Television, Family, Health | 1 Comment »

30. March 2009 by Bex.

Spring has sprung!  So the Deutcher say.  Ron went with me to my doctor today.  We stared at a model of a uterus for a good 15 minutes, discussing various alien-like attributes and then my doctor came in.  He said the septum doesn’t look too bad but it’s there and he can resect it.  I’m scheduled to go in on April 24 with all the pre-op stuff on the 23rd.  Ma Burley is coming and I’m really happy about that.  It will be great to have her here again.  She is bringing her doggies with too.  They are having training issues (poop + pee + carpet) so we will try to help out with that.  We should probably rent a steam cleaner anyways.

So more meds to help me prepare for the surgery and these drugs also make you gain weight.  Hurrah!  More weight gain!  Hahahaa poop.  I picked out a bunch of new healthy recipes to try and made one for tonight.  It was great except I cooked the potatoes way too long.  So it was a very tasty mush.  I was going to take a photograph of my fabulous dinner but it looked like someone shat his pance.  Like I said, very tasty though.

I am doing a Flickr Group Roulette every once in a while now.  Basically one member of the group chooses an interesting and underused group on Flickr.  Today was Geeks and Nerds.  Then you try to compose a shot based on the theme and rules of that group.  Today was pretty damn easy since I can’t help but be a geek/nerd.  I put on my zombie t-shirt (Brains, It’s What’s For Dinner) and fired up Left 4 Dead.  My whole purpose in doing the Roulette is to be challenged to take more than photos of animals.  I won’t be able to do them everyday but a couple a week would be great.  So here is today’s photo:

Sadie tried to help out with some shots but all she really did was lick the inside of my nose:

Oooh!  Chuck is on.  Gotta run!

Posted in Video Games, Family, Hobbies, Health | No Comments »

10. March 2009 by Bex.

I got home after midnight last night/this morning and we didn’t get to bed until well after that.  Poor Ron had to go to work right away and I went to the doctor.  He looked at my innards and said that my uterus is indeedy divided into two cavities.  I spent two hours there, talking to the specialist, the physician assistant and then the lady who handles all the insurance.  Among considering surgery, the doctor said I need to consider testing for the BRAC I and II genes that pretty much guarantee breast and/or ovarian cancer.  I’ve had the mastectomy but haven’t worried about the ovaries yet.  I thought that having yearly paps would find it in time but I am finding out that isn’t always true.  If you get your genes tested and it’s positive, you can be discriminated against by your insurance company and by employers who don’t want to provide benefits for someone who is going to get cancer someday.  And if it is positive, if I can even PAY for it out of pocket to begin with, then I need to think about getting my ovaries removed.  Blarrrrghhhh.

Anyways, it was good to see family in Arizona.  We ate and drank and hung out in the desert mostly.  We also went to watch some baseball spring training.  The Mariners played the Dodgers and won.  It was interesting even if I am not a huge baseball fan.  The Royals won the day before which was very nice to hear.  It was a quick trip; the family is good and the weather was nice.  I’m home just in time to start freezing my ass off again.  Here are some photos from the trip:

Posted in Family, Health, General | 1 Comment »

17. February 2009 by Bex.

It’s only Tuesday and so far it feels like an incredibly long week.  Ma Burley left yesterday and a dark cloud has settled over the house.  We worry about her down in crapville Oklahoma and we really enjoyed her company.  She was a huge support system for us while we were going through some tough health stuff.

I’ve really missed having a mom for 25 years (fuck, it’s been 25 years!?) and it’s an amazing feeling to have a mom/daughter relationship as an adult.  When I was a child, I would see my friends fighting with their moms all the time, or bitching about their moms.  I would get so angry because I wished I had my mom back.  I thought my friends were being selfish and taking that privilege for granted.  But they were kids and all kids fight with their parents.  I just had a very different perspective then they did.

At least we sent Ma home with some new friends.  Charlie, although bursting with excess dominance issues, has been a great dog.  He’s adapting really well and is a very happy dog (most of the time.)  We made the mistake of picking up some dog food on Sunday at a Petsmart which was having dog adoptions.  Shivering in a cage, clad in a lame Flashdance-like shirt, was this little Chihuahua.  We walked her around, handled her and adopted her on the spot.  So what did that mean?  Five fuckin’ dogs in our house, not to mention the pet rat.

When we arrived home from Petsmart, I waited in the car with the new dog, now named Mandi.  (Aside:  Since Charlie’s name brings out spontaneous singing of the theme from Charles in Charge, we went with another song-like name and chose Barry Manilow’s Mandi.  One can never really be tortured with just ONE song stuck in her head.)  I got impatient and thought I could carry all my shit inside while still controlling the tiny dog sans leash.  I put her on the ground and she looked up at me with her big, bug eyes.  Then she took off running!  Luckily she went down the cul-de-sac and that is the only reason we got her back.  Ron said he looked out the door, saw me running down the street and then saw the dog sprinting away from me.  Before I knew it Ron was hauling ass ahead of me and we managed to corner the dog in a driveway.  It’s nice to know I can still run if I need to, say in a zombie type apocalypse.  I just can’t see me wanting to run for any other reason.

So here we are, a happy extended family:

My skin color almost matches the couch.  That’s because I’m coming down with a cold.  Looooooovely.

After everyone left yesterday I went to get my x-rays and get some medicine for Sadie.  Sadie came down with a bladder infection the day after we went to the vet and got everyone’s vaccinations updated.   The day AFTER.  She never was good with planning ahead.  Luckily I didn’t have to bring her back in and I was able to just pick up some antibiotics.  When I got home I had a splitting headache.  I gave Sadie her pill and Rowdy his pain pill.  Rowdy has been very jealous lately of the new dogs so yesterday I gave him lots of attention.  Right after my Rowdy time, I see an email from the person we adopted him from.  She emailed to say she wants to see Rowdy within the week and to please set that up as soon as possible.  Wtf.   As if there wasn’t enough going on in our lives to cause us worry and concern, we now have to run around and haul Rowdy out of the house to make this person happy?  I truly resent her intrusion in our lives and her neurotic behavior.  I have passed this one off to Ron to deal with.  I do not have the mindset to be kind, patient or civil right now.  Good grief.

Enough ranting for now.  Take your Vitamin C…you might catch something from this blog.

Posted in Family, Health, Animal Welfare, General | No Comments »