4. June 2010 by Bex.

…again?

Ultrasound on Monday because of bad pelvic pain.  I’m sure some people would love to be on pain killers everyday, but I hate it.  It makes me tired, out of it and constipated.  My gut looks like I swallowed a 10 pound ham.  It’s disgusting.  I’m not sure if the ultrasound is going to change the fact I still need to have surgery again, but oh well.  Maybe there is an alien growing in there or something.

The new dilemma is whether or not to go ahead with Lupron afterwards.  Lupron is a drug that puts you into a chemical menopause.  It’s typically given in a 3 month shot but I’m told there is now a one month version.  Treatment usually lasts for 6 months, with a shot each month.  Typical side effects are hot flashes, insomnia, depression, dizziness, bone loss, irritability, feeling like you want to fucking kill someone, etc.  With the bone loss, some people have horrible body and/or joint pain.  My first doctor told me without Lupron, she’d see me six months after surgery and that was the only option she gave me.  I switched docs.  My current doctor is very good about not pushing me into it.  But I may have no choice anymore.

Fortunately they do what is call “add back therapy” which adds a little progesterone and estrogen therapy to this.  Not that it makes sense.  Lupron starves the body of estrogen to shrink and halt the growth of adhesions.  But being put into sudden menopause, especially when you are young, isn’t easy on the body so they add some hormones back into it to lessen the blow, so to speak.

Some women have no pain after treatment, and some women have a return of their pain when therapy ceases.  Most of the reviews that I’ve read have been horror stories.  Horrible hot flashes, osteoporosis, mania, fatigue, joint pain, etc.I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid I’ll never be able to have kids.  Right now to even THINK about getting pregnant, I’ll have to go off every medication I’m on except for my thyroid drug.  Then after about 3 months, we can try.  How can you try to get knocked up when it hurts to try?  There is always a turkey baster, which is an option.  Can I survive without any of my medications for up to a year?

So if I decide I can’t do this, should I just have the hysterectomy?  I know this is where I’m heading someday but even that is not fool-proof.  The growths can be anywhere in your pelvis and they react to natural or supplemented hormones.  And because it’s sometimes microscopic, one can’t be sure that it was all lasered out during surgeries.

So wtf am I supposed to do with myself?  Anyone have any suggestions?  I’ve read everything from yeast-free diets to having a baby to supplements to menopause/hysterectomy.   I’ve been sitting here crying because I don’t know what to do anymore.  If we do adopt, I’ll still have this condition and I need to deal with it.  I’m so fucking tired of dealing with it.  And you know what?  Having a positive attitude doesn’t make it go away.  Exercise doesn’t make it go away.  I’d like to hold onto both but let’s face it, they aren’t making a shit ton of difference.

I know, I know.  I’m only 33 years old, there’s plenty of time.  Well there really isn’t when you come down to all the fucking planning and preparation we will have to do.  And spending a bunch of money on medical bills doesn’t really give you a lot to save up for normal, everyday things like a house, car repairs, vet bills, etc. let alone adoption.  Any old crack addict can have a baby or six but you have to be wealthy to adopt a baby.

I know my husband will support whatever I choose to do but I know he wants to be a dad.  And he would be a great dad.  And I am so resentful and angry and exhausted trying to make these decisions.

*sigh*

So anyways, I thought I’d take some photos of how fucking stupid my insurance company is.  The shot I take each month for my rheumatoid arthritis is very expensive.  Because of that, the insurance monkeys said I have to order my shot through their prescription services.  They overnight my shot to me each month in a cooler.  Here is how much packaging they are wasting, not to mention how expensive it must be to overnight a box this size:

So there ya go.  Not exactly upbeat but oh well.  I’m trying to keep perspective on it all but every time I am about to have surgery, I start to get panic attacks.  I know I’ll absolutely freak the fuck out once I get in the prep room.  What fun!

Tschus.

Posted in Lupron, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health, General | 2 Comments »

10. May 2010 by Bex.

I have a lot of unimportant, mental diarrhea aka updates to post.

Stitching:

I’ve participated in some swaps again and am currently embroidering for one with a Zen theme.  I’ll post more information later when the swapee receives the completed piece.  I did get some of my mojo back when I whipped together another Bruce Campbell piece which I’m quite in love with:

I may be doing some variations on this one and putting them in my Etsy, which has been bare and collecting dust for several months.

Photography:

I haven’t been doing much on this because I can only take so many pictures of my animals and weeds in the back yard.  I am trying to do more things with the manual settings.  I think my weekends are going to get busier soon so there will be more chance to practice with a little variety.

Pinups and Pit Bulls:

Volunteering is still going well.  I want to get back and hang with the dogs soon though.  There are a couple of them that I’m really in love with and I want them adopted out soon!  My Pinups for Pit Bulls photo shoot is in roughly thirty days.  I would like to drop one more dress size so I need to really push the working out thing.  Oh yeah, and the eating and beer thing.  That needs to taper down quite a bit too.  But I did order most of my underclothing so that is done.  Check out www.whatkatiedid.com for hosiery and www.gojane.com for shoes.  The shoes put me over 6″tall and I can hardly walk.  But I don’t need to walk much in them, just pose.  If I can do that without killing myself, I’m good!  Oh yeah and 4 3/4″ heels really piss off the arthritis.  Eeeeep.

Patton:

Patton graduated over a week ago from his Petsmart basic obedience class.  He seemed to really love being out in public with people and dogs all over the place.  He really blooms when he’s socialized so now that it’s over, I have to find ways to keep that going.  Kind of hard to do when the owner is a recluse.

Get this damn thing off my head!

Fine.  I’ll pose.

Ice cream?  Seriously?  I can have it???

Now that he’s done, I’d like to continue him on lessons, maybe private ones since his trainer left Petsmart.  We’ll see how that goes.  I’m also taking him to the dog parks to keep him used to the other dogs.  There are some real snobs at the park though.  I guess the rich people in Johnson County snub their noses at a dingo lookin’ dog who is built like a barrel-chested Pit.

Sadie:

Sadie is Sadie.  She’s grumpy and stubborn.  She steals Rowdy’s food and growls at him.  And she finds any bit of mud at the park and lays in it.  *sigh*

Notice the feet.

Above mentioned mud puddle.

People are afraid of Patton because of what he looks like and the fact his ears are always pinned back.  But Sadie is the one they need to worry about.  Here she is stalking people and dogs.  She’s getting ready to spring up and run at them.

Rowdy:

Rowdy had another bad seizure about 2 AM on Saturday.  He was foaming at the mouth, urinated, paddled his feet and then as he came out of it, he howled and barked.  I’m sure our duplex neighbors didn’t get any sleep.  After the seizure he drinks a lot of water and then paces the house for about 3-4 hours before he goes to sleep.  Ron got about 3 hours of sleep because he had to help him get out of corners and from behind furniture.  We were ready to take him to the E-vet and having him put down but just couldn’t do it.  I know it’s kinda silly but I want to keep his ashes and we don’t have anything set up for his remains to be cared for.  Just when we are wondering wtf to do, Rowdy comes out of it and by the end of the morning, he’s back to his old self.  And he’s bouncing around and eating and happy to be alive.  *sigh*

He hates the camera flash.

So that morning after the seizure, I was off to the KC Arthritis Foundation charity walk.  I had raised some money and committed to doing it.  So no matter how tired, drained and shitty I felt, I had to go.  So I put Patton in the car and off to KCMO we went.  We walked three miles in the cold 45+ degree weather.  (Cold and wind really suck for arthritis by the way.)  It felt good to get through it but Patton was not happy.  From full-time couch to 3 mile trail….not so appreciated.

This is the scratch he gave me down my thigh after I tried to assist him into the back of the car.  OUCH.

And finally, Ron won the gold during the Corporate Challenge for individual men’s bowling:

Hehehehee, he’s so goofy.  So even after only 3 hours of sleep and emotionally draining things, he still gets gold.

That is about all I can think of for now.  Work is work and it has become only a peripheral part of my life.  I go to get a check to cover our bills and insurance and that’s about it.  I think my career aspirations are done and abandoned.  Now that I’m ok with that conclusion, life is less stressful.  That’s a good thing!

Well time to get to the doctor.  I better eat something quick or I’ll pass out or puke when they take my blood.  Have a great day!

Tschus!

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11. April 2010 by Bex.

I just deleted a lot of registered users who I believe to be spammers.  If I deleted you and you AREN’T a spam bot, leave a comment and reregister.  I hate to break it to you spammers, but hardly anyone reads this blog and spamming it isn’t really doing much for you.

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25. January 2010 by Bex.

Last week was a little nuts.  I was able to go to Independence and see the old court house where Truman got his start.  They are in the process of fixing it up and it’s not open all the time for the general public.  The old downtown of Independence is really cute; it’s nothing like the outskirts which are just nasty and scary.

I also did my therapy pool workout again on Wednesday and pushed myself a little to go faster and longer.  Unfortunately when I was done I could hardly walk and the next day was laid up on the couch.  I felt like I had the flu and my knees and ankles ached.  So much for the new biologic I’m taking.  Maybe it hasn’t kicked in yet, who knows.

I also went to a local community college and talked to a career counselor.  I don’t think they get too many master’s degree holders coming in to inquire about an associates degree.  I figure I have all of my general classes done and would just need to take the core classes for an associates in criminal justice.  This, aside from animal care, is the only other career path I’m interested in but I can’t be a cop.  I would be interested in working the records department or chain of evidence department.  However I have no criminal justice background so I’m wondering if this will open some doors for me.  And I hope to not have to get another bachelors because a 4 year school is expensive as  hell.  Community colleges are much cheaper.  Johnson County Community College is pretty spiffy for a community college.  Unfortunately the clientele are a bit rough.  I got stuck going the wrong direction in the parking garage and instead of just rolling her eyes at me and giving me room to turn around, this 20-something emo chick rolled down her window and screamed at me.  So what did I do?  I screamed back at her.  Honey, I’m too damn old to be intimidated by you if you are going to show a lack of class and patience.  Suck it.

My next step is to talk to the chair of the department and see what her opinion is.  Jobs aren’t great in this area but nationwide they are good.  I have a feeling once this recession lifts a bit more, counties and cities will get back to full staff.  Plus federal jobs are out there too and I would dig doing something with Homeland Security or INS.  Ya never know.  I just know I will never move up in responsibilities or pay where I am now and that’s probably true for similar jobs elsewhere in the nation.  I want more flexibility in where I can work.

Saturday we planned on going bowling for something different to do but the damn lanes were packed.  So we drove to a pool hall and played a couple of hours.  Apparently the guy playing our table before us was Dave Pearson, some famous speed shooter.  I wouldn’t know a famous pool player from a hole in a wall but there ya go.  Unfortunately the more cheap beer we had, the worse my playing ability.  But since we greatly curtailed alcohol purchases, I am now a light weight.   Cheap date!  I think Ron and I have been kinda waiting around, hoping to get our schedules to work with other couples to hang out with.  But that never seems to come together so we decided just to go on our own.  We had a good time and it was nice to get out of the house.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print for now.  Since I didn’t take any interesting photographs this week, I’ll leave you with crappy tattoos from the friendly world wide web.  Tschus.

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3. January 2010 by Bex.

Rowdy seems ok today.  He still won’t eat much and I’m not sure if he’s pooping either.  A healthy dump is a sign of good things so that’s what I’m looking for.  At this point we’d be fine even if he did it in the house.  I’ll talk to the vet tomorrow and see if we need to come in for an exam.  Hopefully he will be ok.  I hate crying and feel like I’ve done enough lately.  Crying really doesn’t help a sinus infection either.

We spent a good deal of last night cooking and drinking and playing Beatles Rock Band.  Thankfully Ron doesn’t mind my attempt at singing.  He’s good at the guitar part and I can at least hit most of the pitches so it was fun.  I grew up on The Beatles but I just never realized how fucked up the lyrics got towards the late ’60’s.  You don’t really appreciate how drugged up they were until you try to sing the lyrics.  Fun stuff.

The graphics are good too because there is a lot of detail given to their instruments.  They also really nailed the various looks that the band went through over the years.

Video games are a great distraction as well as a nice stress relief.  Unless you are playing Mario on the Wii.  We still can’t get past that last castle.  Fucking Bowser.  I can’t imagine trying to play with more then two people at once.

So it’s a new year and for some reason people are sometimes compelled to make resolutions or reevaluate life.  I’m not so silly as to think just because we started this year off with a canine crisis that my whole year is destined to be shitty.  Quite honestly last year was really hard and not that great overall, but we got through it without taking things out on each other.  Ron’s been absolutely supportive and wonderful through all the ups and downs.  No matter how shitty it all gets, he is always the one constant and happy thing in my life.

I have come to some conclusions though; some lessons learned.  I’m going to stop trying to explain to people what the hell is wrong with me and why I can’t do everything they ask of me.  I can’t make someone understand and I’m no longer going to try.  I just don’t give a crap anymore what they think or don’t understand.  It’s too much energy.  This blog is my main vent and it’s free so I’ll just put it all here.  Lucky you!!!!  (I do promise, however, that not all blogs will be a bitch-fest.  There is more to life out there, somewhere.)

I’ve also concluded that I can’t sit and feel sorry for myself unless I know I’ve tried everything to help myself.  So I’ve looked into my conditions a bit more and most people agree that dietary changes can help with some symptoms.  I can add more veggies and fruit and organic animal products to my life.  But I’ll have to limit fun things like fried foods, sweets and alcohol.  Boo, hiss.  Meh.  I’m going to stay out of smokey places as much as possible as well.  I’m also going back to swimming and water therapy because if I do it 2-3 times a week, I’m going to at least have some physical stress relief.  It’s finding that balance between doing too much and too little that is so damn tricky.  Plus, there is a hot tub there I can use.  You just don’t know what fun is until you’ve sat in a hot tub with a bunch of old people at the community center.  Hawt.   Me and my tattoos… and lots of old people.  Just picture that in your mind for a second…  And when I’ve figured out the pattern to follow for that, I’ll try yoga.  Why not?  If it was horrible for you, would it be so popular?  Don’t answer that.  The thought of colonics just popped in my mind.  (Seriously people, you don’t have years worth of shit built up in your guts.  You just don’t.)  And finally, I need to rid myself of one of my stressors and that is my job.  I love what I do but, well I can’t get into it much here.  Something in my career life needs to change for the better.

I leave you with an image I found doing one of my Google image searches.  It just makes me giggle….a lot.   Enjoy.

Tschus.

Posted in Video Games, Health, General | No Comments »

24. September 2009 by Bex.

Career stress is upon us.  It’s hard to move up in this career field when there aren’t job openings in the area.  To move or not to move? I like KC a lot!  However I’m not sure I can physically handle the stress here anymore.

I’ve put out some lines and had a couple bites.  So it may be in our future to move out of state.  I’m pretty nervous about this but I can’t get a head of myself.  It’s quite possible I won’t get anything.

This is tough because I can’t blog in detail without risking my current situation but I do feel the need to just vent.  So I guess I have to write this slightly cryptic, crappy blog post to hit somewhere in the middle.

Ah hell, we’ll see what goes down in the next couple of weeks.  I’ll try not to be such the control freak/worry wort that I am!

Posted in Work, Health, General | No Comments »

10. July 2009 by Bex.

Wow, what a week!  Soon, soon my dear friends, I’ll be able to blog fully about this.  You will shit your pants when I tell you what’s going on.  All I can say is don’t ever get chronically sick; and, don’t EVER assume that anyone else will look after your legal rights.

When someone tells you to “calm down” when you already are calm, and are simply inquiring about details to a situation or your right regarding such situation, be suspicious.

When someone puts emotion into your inquiries regarding a situation, having documentation for your files about it, or asking for any clarification, be suspicious.  (i.e., insinuation that you are upset or anxious simply because you are addressing an issue.)

Get everything in writing.  No matter how wonderful the person is that you are dealing with.

People are afraid of those with education and tenacity.

Never let legal fees scare you away from consulting an attorney.

Research, research, research.  The best defense is information.

God help me, but I feel like I have a sign now to take action in my life.  I need to make changes in order to be happy and healthy.  I want to be able to do my absolute best and to be recognized for that effort.  I’m tired of competitiveness over basic issues.  I’m tired of having my voice silenced.  I’m tired of my enthusiasm being suppressed.  God bless America.  The only place where you have a litany of laws to back you up when you really need it.

Oddly enough I have this song running through my brain:

Now I’m gonna tell ya a story
A tale of wrong and Right
and freedom is the reason
You can’t take it without a fight

So now I’m startin’ up a posse
(Suck my dick, suck my dick)
To come and look for you
We’re gonna put a stop
To what you want to do
You fucking whores (You fuckin’ whores)
That’s all you are

You say our records are offensive
(You’re a douche, You’re a douche)
Our messages ain’t right
You say “We’re gonna label records
So our kids can grow up right”
You fucking whores (Let them decide)
That’s all you are

shit, fuck, satan, death, sex drugs, rape
These seven words you’re trying to take
shit, fuck, Satan, death, sex, drugs, rape
Right or wrong it’s our choice to make
America the beautiful, Land of the free
Don’t change the words to land of Hypocrisy

Now I’m startin’ up a posse (Fascist scum, fascist scum)
And we’ll damn sure make you see
Something that offends you
May not be offensive to me
You f*cking whores (You fuckin’ whores)
That’s all you are

Now you might take offense
To a word like “fuck” or “shit” (Dick!)
But you fuckin’ don’t have the right (Cunt!)
To discriminate me for saying it!
You fuckin’ whores (You fuckin’ whores)
That’s all you are (Go suck a dick, huh)

So now I’m startin’ up a posse (Motherfucker, motherfucker)
To fight for freedom of choice
To fight for freedom of speech
We’re gonna make you hear our voice

And now I don’t do this to shock you
(That’s the end, that’s the end)
I don’t do this for spite
You’ve got the choice, don’t buy it, don’t read it,
And don’t say your opinion’s right
You f*cking whores (You fuckin’ whores)
That’s all you are (Cunty, cunty, cunty, cunt)

You know you can’t censor my feelings
You can’t censor my thoughts
Censorship’s against
Everything America stands for
You fuckin’ whores (Let us decide)
That’s all you are (And this ain’t sexist, either)

God bless America.

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8. June 2009 by Bex.

I swear, the more I try to assert myself as a professional, the more resistance I get.  I kind of feel like the TP to wipe up after the pee-ons.  I don’t think that those in control of this aspect of my life are doing it because they know my background and truly believe me to be incompetent.  I think it’s being done because of outside personal influences.  Sorry to be so amiguous but I don’t want to get too detailed.  Basically I have a passion at work, I try to implement my passion at my work and I feel I do a good job of it, and someone thinks (without merit) that I suck at it.  So this person squashes anything and everything I do in relation to it.

One thing I’ve learned by having chronic illnesses is that you have to choose your battles.  Stress is the ultimate enemy.  It makes everything worse; magnifies pain, heightens emotions, saps energy.  In other words, fuck it.  This isn’t worth it.

All I really want to do is take photographs and be a mom.  Those things matter more than work drama.

Frozen pizza awaits!  Ahhh it’s the little shit that makes me happy.

Posted in General | 1 Comment »

6. June 2009 by Bex.

It turns out that attending a Zombie Walk was extremely therapeutic.  I needed a good laugh and I also needed to force myself out of my comfort zone.

I posted on the Kansas City group on Flickr about this and met up with a few of the wonderful people who frequent that group.  By watching them, I felt more comfortable to walk up to strangers and take their photos.  I have a really hard time doing that.  I also knew a couple of the zombies, who were absolutely hilarious.  There were zombies of all kinds: Santa Claus, nurses, Shaun of the Dead replete with cricket bat, a Smoker and Hunter from Left 4 Dead and even a guy with an Evil Dead lunch box.  A man after my own heart….err, brain.

The best part of the whole walk was that not only did we walk through the First Fridays fancy art crowd, but we also hit a Gay Pride street party.  Zombies + gays + techno music + snobs = a freakin’ blast.  A very kick ass street DJ kicked some Thriller for us as we went past.  There were cheers, laughter, sneers, looks of disgust and a few shrieks from the crowd.  If you ever have a chance to watch or participate in something like this, I highly recommend it.

Since I over think everything and tend to live inside my Emo brain, I learned something from this whole event.  I’ve been sitting around my house, waiting for people to want to hang out with me, wanting to do something different.  I got tired of waiting for last minute invitations.  I was so geeked yesterday because of the Imagekind thing and I was surprised that the people I really counted on as friends, couldn’t have cared less.  I guess it’s a schadenfreunde situation; when something goes really well for me, I can’t find many people to celebrate with.  Maybe when my health is bad and I’m miserable, I make people feel better about themselves.  Hahahaaa, anyways.  It’s my fault for not being more outgoing and trying to branch out with people of similar interests.  I can’t change people into the friends I’m looking for.  That would be….stupid!

Here are some photos from the night.  For more, see www.flickr.com/photos/ndbex.  The first one is of the KC mayor, who just faced a recount petition.  He and his wife are not very well liked in the city with some people although I think he’s a pretty good mayor.  He and the City Council just need to quit bickering like children and get onto real business.  GO FUNKHOUSER!   Have a good weekend everyone!  I’m off to a cookout.  Tschus!

Posted in General | 3 Comments »

24. May 2009 by Bex.

Whenever I’m out driving around, I have all these potential blog posts running through my brain.  But by the time I find myself back in front of a computer, I’ve forgotten everything.  Now my brain is mush, yet here I sit, trying to squeak out something interesting.

Despite attempts at living a normal, healthy life, we’ve been hit with a couple fun ailments.  I spent a week pissing blood and the next week Ron threw his back out completely.  Since it happened at work, he’s home and doing the workman’s comp thing.  He has an MRI scheduled this week and hopefully they can figure out how to help him.  He’s in an incredible amount of pain.  We’re only in our early 30’s and we haven’t even had kids yet.  But we’re both walking around like old people.  This does not bode well.  Maybe they can outfit a stroller to also be a walker?  Seriously, I think another year of working on my health and having time to spend with Ron by myself is a good thing.  I still think we’ll have to adopt and maybe that is a good thing to start working on next year.

Work has been filled lately with helping researchers, fighting with the IT department to fix computer issues so I can scan images and assessing the condition of wax phonographs from the late 1890’s.  One of the things I love about my job is the variety of work I do.  I can sit at a computer all day and the next day find myself pulling old mattresses out of a really old train car.

The big hoopla at work lately has been the opening of The Chronicles of Narnia exhibit.  www.unionistation.org  It has a lot of props and costumes from the Narnia movies and it also talks about global climate issues and environmentalism.  They tied that theme into it based on the White Witch’s attempts to basically create an ice age on earth.  The sets are really rich and interesting and it’s cool to see objects and costumes.  The interactives are interesting as well.  I didn’t take any photos of the inside of the exhibit but I took this picture of a Giant outside the ticketing office:

Our department didn’t help set this exhibit up.  Because this is a private company’s exhibit and because the objects are mostly props, they didn’t need museum professionals to do the installation.  I’ve worked with this company before to install an exhibit and it’s very different from working with a museum exhibit.  No white gloves on this one. 

So there you have it! That’s my update, for now. I have other things I want to blog about but Roxanne is here for the last time until the end of summer. Hope everyone is having a groovy holiday!Tschus!

Posted in Work, Museum Exhibits, Health, General | 2 Comments »