18. January 2010 by Bex.

I’ve never considered myself a hippie, although I do consider myself “different” then a lot of women.  (Maybe “tomboy” is the correct term considering my love of shooting guns and playing video games.)  I like who I am and don’t see a real need to change, except for any unattractive habits that may come up.  I don’t have a problem with hippies or conservatives or anyone else, as long as they aren’t in the extreme on either side of the spectrum.  But I’ve never considered myself a hippie until lately.

I have been changing our diets slowly but surely to a more organic diet.  We cut down on alcohol and caffeine, we are drinking organic milk and when I can afford to buy more organic food, I do.  I also bought a cast iron skillet finally because it will last longer and doesn’t have Teflon or other non-stick chemicals all over it.  As we run out of household cleaners, I’m replacing them with “green” cleaners.  By the way, all this shit is rather pricey.

Due to the popularity of Facebook, I find myself talking to people from home/high school a lot more then I did when I actually went to school with them.  I can’t believe how many people have some kind of autoimmune disease.  These are people my age - early 30’s.  I’m getting pretty frickin’ paranoid that even though some of the shit I have is inherited, that all the chemicals we grow up eating and breathing can’t be helping.  In fact, I wonder if over the generations all the chemicals in our environment aren’t causing some of this.  Anyone heard of Silent Spring by Rachel Carson?  I did a paper on it in grad school when I was studying integrated pest management.  She realized one spring that the birds weren’t singing as much as they normally did each spring.  Basically through her research she discovered that DDT, a popular pesticide, had made it’s way into our ground water and thus into our food chain.  Certain species of birds were dying because their egg shells were so thin that none of the babies were making past the incubation phase.   Her book and all the controversy that it made led to state legislation all over the nation to ban dangerous pesticides.  And how did she die? Breast cancer; the incidence of which has gone up considerably since WWII when more chemicals began to be regularly dumped into the environment.   Reminds me of Marie Curie and radium in some ways.

No one can eliminate his/her exposure to chemicals completely.  But I have to cringe whenever I see commercials for scented candles and oils and sprays that companies want you to spray around your house.  If your house stinks all the time, clean it.  Quit covering up the stank with chemicals for cripe’s sakes.

On that note then, my resolutions to eat better are going well.  We hardly drink anymore (boo!!!!  beer tastes good dammit), I’ve had fried food once and am eating better overall.  Do I feel better?  Not yet.  I have a feeling that eventually I will.

I leave you with some KC fog shots.  It’s been kinda creepy/romantic outside.  I think I’m ready for April but love that we’ve had snow and fog to change things up around here a bit.

Tschus.

Posted in Blogs, Books, Health | 2 Comments »

11. January 2010 by Bex.

Isn’t that what Mr. Magoo used to say?  Maybe I’m not remembering it right.  I had my eyes dilated today around 9:30 and things are still a bit blurry.  This is what I felt like driving around today:

Yes, I realize I should not have been driving.  I used to really love watching old re-runs of Mr. Magoo.  Maybe I’ll have to do a stitch of him soon.  Yeah………that’s the ticket.

Rowdy is doing as well as Rowdy can be.  No seizures since the initial one but he has messed on the floor.  Considering it was below zero a lot, I don’t blame him.  He’s been hella picky about eating though and that is a pain in the ass.  We are trying different cooked and canned foods.  He likes only the shit that’s really bad for him.  Just like a human I guess.   Unfortunately straying from his diet makes him want more water which makes him have to pee a lot more.  So more accidents.

Life quality is still good though so we will not put him to sleep yet.

This weekend was pretty mellow.  I wanted to stay close to home because I took my second shot for RA.  I didn’t feel any side effects until the next day.   Here is a quick look at how easy it is to administer:

The side effects for me were sweating, hot flashes, racing heart, stuffiness and sinus headache.  Benadryl helps a lot.  I’ll remember that next time.  Hopefully in another month or so I’ll start to feel the positive effects.

Not much else is going on.  The only other thing I can talk about is the weather.  That’s a good sign it is time to end this post.

Tschus!

PS

In finding the following image (in which I see myself and Rowdy)…

…I found a blog which compares the United States with Mr. Magoo.  Only the blogger calls the US, Amerikkka, and says the US is like Magoo in its relations to the Muslim world.  I could explain further but I feel like just linking it will put me on some kind of watch list so I’ll let you read it for yourself.  http://ruminations52.blogspot.com/2007/02/amerikkka-as-mr.html Well, whatever your feeling on our government and its blunders, I am not sure comparing it with the KKK is right.  But whatever.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Embroidery, Health | No Comments »

3. January 2010 by Bex.

Rowdy seems ok today.  He still won’t eat much and I’m not sure if he’s pooping either.  A healthy dump is a sign of good things so that’s what I’m looking for.  At this point we’d be fine even if he did it in the house.  I’ll talk to the vet tomorrow and see if we need to come in for an exam.  Hopefully he will be ok.  I hate crying and feel like I’ve done enough lately.  Crying really doesn’t help a sinus infection either.

We spent a good deal of last night cooking and drinking and playing Beatles Rock Band.  Thankfully Ron doesn’t mind my attempt at singing.  He’s good at the guitar part and I can at least hit most of the pitches so it was fun.  I grew up on The Beatles but I just never realized how fucked up the lyrics got towards the late ’60’s.  You don’t really appreciate how drugged up they were until you try to sing the lyrics.  Fun stuff.

The graphics are good too because there is a lot of detail given to their instruments.  They also really nailed the various looks that the band went through over the years.

Video games are a great distraction as well as a nice stress relief.  Unless you are playing Mario on the Wii.  We still can’t get past that last castle.  Fucking Bowser.  I can’t imagine trying to play with more then two people at once.

So it’s a new year and for some reason people are sometimes compelled to make resolutions or reevaluate life.  I’m not so silly as to think just because we started this year off with a canine crisis that my whole year is destined to be shitty.  Quite honestly last year was really hard and not that great overall, but we got through it without taking things out on each other.  Ron’s been absolutely supportive and wonderful through all the ups and downs.  No matter how shitty it all gets, he is always the one constant and happy thing in my life.

I have come to some conclusions though; some lessons learned.  I’m going to stop trying to explain to people what the hell is wrong with me and why I can’t do everything they ask of me.  I can’t make someone understand and I’m no longer going to try.  I just don’t give a crap anymore what they think or don’t understand.  It’s too much energy.  This blog is my main vent and it’s free so I’ll just put it all here.  Lucky you!!!!  (I do promise, however, that not all blogs will be a bitch-fest.  There is more to life out there, somewhere.)

I’ve also concluded that I can’t sit and feel sorry for myself unless I know I’ve tried everything to help myself.  So I’ve looked into my conditions a bit more and most people agree that dietary changes can help with some symptoms.  I can add more veggies and fruit and organic animal products to my life.  But I’ll have to limit fun things like fried foods, sweets and alcohol.  Boo, hiss.  Meh.  I’m going to stay out of smokey places as much as possible as well.  I’m also going back to swimming and water therapy because if I do it 2-3 times a week, I’m going to at least have some physical stress relief.  It’s finding that balance between doing too much and too little that is so damn tricky.  Plus, there is a hot tub there I can use.  You just don’t know what fun is until you’ve sat in a hot tub with a bunch of old people at the community center.  Hawt.   Me and my tattoos… and lots of old people.  Just picture that in your mind for a second…  And when I’ve figured out the pattern to follow for that, I’ll try yoga.  Why not?  If it was horrible for you, would it be so popular?  Don’t answer that.  The thought of colonics just popped in my mind.  (Seriously people, you don’t have years worth of shit built up in your guts.  You just don’t.)  And finally, I need to rid myself of one of my stressors and that is my job.  I love what I do but, well I can’t get into it much here.  Something in my career life needs to change for the better.

I leave you with an image I found doing one of my Google image searches.  It just makes me giggle….a lot.   Enjoy.

Tschus.

Posted in Video Games, Health, General | No Comments »

30. December 2009 by Bex.

I should be trying to eat better and clean out my system after pigging out so much over Christmas.  We didn’t do a damn thing but eat and play video games.  I got my wish for a white Christmas and we were snowed in.  So far the roads are pretty passable which is good when one must make it to work.  I’d rather be snowed in at home though.  The dogs liked their snow time and it was very beautiful outside.  I’m ready for the weekend already though as I’ve been fighting a lovely sinus infection and finally succumbed to antibiotics.  They are kicking my ass.

Here are some photos from our Christmas.  Nothing terribly exciting but at least it was peaceful.

The drainage ditch behind the house.  I cropped out the rotted mattress someone threw down there about a year and a half ago.

We didn’t exactly primp for our photo shoot but dammit we still look cute.

Sadie enjoyed playing catch with the snowballs.

Ron has quite the smart ass sense of humor.  Good thing Rowdy was protected on the other side of the glass.

Here is Rowdy taking a nap the other day.  He’s so old and losing weight.  Not because of anything in particular but because he hates his bland diet.  So tonight he had boiled rice and cooked ground beef.  Lucky guy, eh?

This is typically what Patton looks like when I wake up on the weekends.  We sleep in together.  And nap together.  He curls up in a little brindle ball and snoozes on the bed.

Final dog photo for the day.  Last Monday was Sadie’s 13th birthday.  My baby is a teenager now.

So other then snow and pets, we’ve been playing a lot of video games.  We are almost done with Mario on the Wii.  The final Bowser section SUCKS.  This game was a lot harder then any other Mario games I’ve played.  I think it’s mostly because trying to coordinate on a platform game with someone else playing is not easy.  Both of us try to jump in the same spot at the same time.  There is much cursing in this game.

We also made it through one run of Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles.  I like how they brought elements from several other RE games.  It was pretty fun and the shaky camera made head shots harder yet more enjoyable.  I would like to run through it again at a harder setting.

Finally, we made it through Left 4 Dead 2 which was a lot more fun then the first one.  The ai’s were annoying as shit but the weapons were better and the levels were a little longer.  I especially like the melee weapons which included a frying pan, guitar and chainsaw.

So I don’t have a lot more to share.  Well, someone asked me to photograph her in a tasteful, nude shoot.  That was unexpected.  I don’t mind doing it though as nudity really doesn’t bother me that much as long as I’m the one behind the camera.  I definitely need more lessons with the camera though and I think my peeps in the local KC Flickr group are going to be a big help.  Gotta love networking with others through the net.  It’s been a life saver for me with all my social phobias and tendencies to hole myself up in my house 24-7.  Hey who knows.  Maybe I’ll get a side biz taking nudies of people.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  “Not now junior, mommy has to take photographs of people’s junk.”  That would rock.

Be well dear friends.

Tschus.

Posted in Photography, Flickr, Dogs, Video Games, Health | 1 Comment »

19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »

1. November 2009 by Bex.

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot better mentally and physically.  Some days I think I can go back to a 40 hour work week.  And then I hit a set back.  I paid really close attention to my symptoms this week though and tried to analyze things as they came up.  I’m too lazy and inconsistent to do a symptom diary though.  Yes, I lick ass.  Such is life.

I thought perhaps if I avoided stress completely, kept up on sleep and all my medications, I would be able to control my health.  How egomaniac is that?  You can’t control everything.  You can be doing everything right, everything within your control, and still feel like shit.  It really hit me on Friday.  I had organized a potluck for Halloween at work, assisted a researcher all morning and then watched the desk most of the afternoon.  I did some running around and helped people out.  By 1:00 I could feel a weight in my chest and the skin on my face was red and felt like it was on fire.  By the end of the afternoon I was really run down.  When I got home, I felt like there was a fire lit in my torso, my knees were stiff and sore and I was limping.  I was shaking a lot too.

I really did have a good week overall.  I was able to participate in some professional development and networking at a symposium.  I got some things done at work.  I cut out some toxic people from my life too which felt extremely liberating.

My point:  I did everything seemingly right but I had a flare up nonetheless.  I was just tired out.  I did too much and my body rebelled.  What’s really hard is that I know to people who don’t know me well, I look pretty healthy.  I’m young and not toooooo overweight.  I think it’s hard for people to understand that you can look great on the outside but feel shitty on the inside.  However, when I think about it….I must not look too healthy all the time.  I’ve had strangers offer to help me carry my groceries and insist on having me do the drive through pick-up.  Some days I lean heavily on the shopping cart and limp along.  Or days when my elbows and arms ache so bad, I hold them close to my body and have a hard time picking up the littlest thing.  So I guess when I think about it, there are people who intuitively pay attention to body language more than others.  Those are the kinds of people who pick up on this stuff.

So lesson learned.  I can’t always control when a flare up occurs.  Gotcha.  I’ll keep that in mind.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health | 2 Comments »

28. October 2009 by Bex.

Here is a quick recap:  We’ve kept somewhat busy on the weekends which can be both good and bad.  We finally used our free tickets to the KC Renaissance Festival and had a nice time eating a turkey leg and drinking Irish ale.  Also in the last couple of weeks we saw Zombieland and Paranormal Activity.  Both very awesome.  If you are looking for a laugh, I highly recommend Zombieland.  Speaking of zombies, Maul of the Dead is at the Coterie and Roxanne and I saw that last weekend.  It was pretty fun!  Great theatre group, everyone should go!  What else…oh!  A good friend from high school dropped in and it was awesome catching up with him.  I really miss familiar faces from home!

We are also still going through the home buyer’s program.  Our counselor thinks we’ll be in the purchasing phase soon.  I really hope that’s true!  We’ll see though.  We may hit a waiting period but that’s ok.  I’m totally cool with moving in the spring rather then the winter.  Either way, we are hiring movers this time!  I can’t physically help Ron lift half this stuff so we’ll need a little help.  I’m so freakin’ excited and scared.  Basically I’m scared of the realities of fixing everything yourself….and having to pay for it.  I think I can handle it though.

I recently had a really negative experience with some people I used to call friends.  However I did get something positive from the situation:  I’ve let my diseases and illnesses shut me off from people.  I’m really going to try to talk to people more often and get together with locals at least once a month or so.  It can be really tough sometimes…when I’m tired out, I just need to rest.  Sleep.  Recharge.  A lot of things like housework and socializing get neglected when you don’t feel well.  Unfortunately these people, who I thought knew what was going on, took my absences personally.  As if I didn’t like them and was using my health as a reason not to see them.  I think that’s pretty silly and thought if a person felt upset, they would talk to me about it.  But whatever makes a person feel good about themselves…  It feels really, really wonderful to cut out negative people from my life.  No more stress on that front…what a relief!  Now if I can only get work to go a little better, I think things would be perfect!

Here are images of the last three projects I worked on.  I have some ideas of things I need and want to do soon.  Some of them involve Christmas presents.  I better get started on those!  November will probably go very quickly.

Come Get Some tote bag feature the almighty Bruce Campbell!

The first of the 1898 Antikamnia Calendar series.

This was a piece done to recognize domestic abuse.  Yes, it’s a personal story.  No, not going to blog about it.  However you can check out Craftster if you want to know more about the piece.  Enough said on that.

Rowdy is shrieking at me to go outside so I’m cutting off the blog for now.  Expect some goofy Halloween pictures next week!

Posted in Crafts, NACA, Craftster, Needlework, Embroidery, Movies, Bruce Campbell, Health | 2 Comments »

10. October 2009 by Bex.

Things are better.  Why you ask?  Well I got a new endocrinologist who agreed to ramp up my Synthroid a bit.  Yes, my levels appeared normal but I didn’t feel right.  Most docs at this point would argue it’s all in my head, it’s the RA, it’s the fibro, I’m crazy, etc.  This one actually agreed to let me try a higher dose.  And guess what?  I feel better!  More energy, less depressed.  What a concept-listening to the patient.  Gnarly.

We also had our first one-on-one meeting with a NACA representative.  Although she is an ardent animal hater, we were happy with our session.  If all goes well, Ron and I will be in our first home together in around 6 months.  No money down, no closing costs, fixed rate, low mortgage.  No shit.  I was so happy to hear that, I had to do another self-evaluation of my priorities.  Is it more important for me to find my dream job right now?  Or is getting a home and being settled more important?  Unfortunately I’m putting my career second, or third.  I want to be happy with my job everyday but uprooting again and moving to a different state is going to be so hard.  I’m just starting to feel better and don’t want to start over with doctors.  Therefore I decided to withdraw my applications for jobs out of state.  I’m really excited to be in my very first home!!

We’ve also got a lot to do this weekend.  It’s cold though so that might limit how much we do.  Today is another Zombie Walk which starts at 3:00 on the Plaza.  The high is only 49 degrees today so I’m unsure if I really want to run around outside.  Speaking of zombies, we also really want to see Zombieland this weekend.  Perhaps we’ll do that instead.  And tomorrow night we have tickets to see Lewis Black, one of Ron’s favorite comedians.  We’re pretty geeked about that!

Finally, here is my cross-stitch that I referred to in a previous post.  The recipient received it so I was able to make the photo public finally.  I kind of miss this piece.  It looked good sitting in our living room.

I did a piece yesterday for a Craftster challenge and I’ll have that posted by Monday.  I’m also working on a piece I patterned after an obscure 1898 calendar.  Hopefully that will be done soon.  I’ve got to stitch something together to trade with a woman at work who makes and fixes jewelry.  I’ve got some things for her to fix!

That is about all I can think of for now.  This is a busy month so I’m sure there will be more blog posts to come.  Tschus!

Posted in NACA, Craftster, Crafts, Needlework, Work, Cross stitch, Health | No Comments »

24. September 2009 by Bex.

Career stress is upon us.  It’s hard to move up in this career field when there aren’t job openings in the area.  To move or not to move? I like KC a lot!  However I’m not sure I can physically handle the stress here anymore.

I’ve put out some lines and had a couple bites.  So it may be in our future to move out of state.  I’m pretty nervous about this but I can’t get a head of myself.  It’s quite possible I won’t get anything.

This is tough because I can’t blog in detail without risking my current situation but I do feel the need to just vent.  So I guess I have to write this slightly cryptic, crappy blog post to hit somewhere in the middle.

Ah hell, we’ll see what goes down in the next couple of weeks.  I’ll try not to be such the control freak/worry wort that I am!

Posted in Work, Health, General | No Comments »