19. July 2010 by Bex.

Ok, not really.  My doctor/surgeon has lasers but not on her head.

So just a warning, this post has pictures from my surgery.  My bare innards, how sexy!  It’s like porn for medical geeks.

I went in last Monday at 6AM to St. Joseph’s Hospital.  It was very nice because I got my own room with my own personal Jeebus on the wall.  I was a very good patient until the nurse hit my artery on her first try.  She changed sides and did manage to get a vein in my left wrist but not until she punctured one of my nerves.  So now I have some lovely nerve pain shooting into my left hand and arm.  The right arm doesn’t hurt as much as it did but it looks pretty wicked!

I was out of surgery and recovery by 10:30 but stuck around until 1:00 because I couldn’t pee.  This is pretty normal.  Every time I have surgery there is one nurse, Nurse Evil Bitch, who thinks she needs to turn the bed over as soon as she can and all but kicks me out.  There was a “Do Not Discharge Without Pee” order on me thankfully.  But that didn’t stop her from trying!  Instead of napping peacefully, she wanted me up and trying to piss.  Everytime I got up, the gas pumped into my abdomen during surgery would migrate up my torso.  Fun.  It decided to settle into my shoulders and diaphram.  The diaphram gas prevented me from taking nice, normal breaths and when I couldn’t pee without much struggle and pain, I got upset.  The more upset I got, the harder it was to breathe.  So what happens?  A fucking panic attack.  Ron called for a nurse, but she didn’t know what to do.  Luckily Ron was able to get me simmered down and breathing as best I could.  He was pretty pissed off.

No matter how much common sense says a person should get rest and healing in a hospital, one never does.  You can’t get a lick of rest in a hospital.   As soon as I could go to the bathroom normally, we hit that nurse button and got the hell out.

So here are the photos my doctor took of my insides.  She is such a wonderful doctor and I’m so grateful to have her working so hard for me.

The white things are the ovaries.  One of them is fine and the other was covered in black endo growths.  All the black stuff is endo.  It doesn’t look like much does it?  Ron said they were described as being the size of eraser heads.  So having that stuff on the outside of the bladder is like being pinched on very sensitive tissues.  And that’s only the stuff you can see.  I can’t imagine how much microscopic stuff there is!

Again there are my ovaries and also the pancreas (left) and liver and bowel (right.)   Happily my liver and pancreas show no signs of endo.  My bowels look fine but based on how it feels, I think there is some small stuf on there.

Here are my fallopian tubes and the dark stuff is actually dye.  The doctor flushed this dye through my tubes to check for blockages that could be endo sitting inside.  Since the dye went through, theoretically there isn’t anything in there to prevent an egg passing through.  The fertility docs will want this information.  The first time I did this was last year and the dye did not go through.  That’s when they found the Mullerian defect and cut away the wall that was growing inside my uterus.  Fun stuff!

Here’s my swollen belly.  This is the fourth time I’ve had my belly button cut open.  I’m afraid it’s not going to look very pretty by the time we’re all done.  I had a new cut around my hip so that’s a new scar.  The third incision was over the pubic bone but I’m not going to post photos of that.  Ewww pubes.

I have follow up appointments and fertility consultations within the next week.  I’m excited to see what the next step is.  I honestly think if we can pull off a pregnancy, we’ll just do one.  Someday we can adopt if we want two kids but I believe that putting myself through one pregnancy is enough.  I guess I have my limits and this is one I have set for myself.  I’m scared to be a mom of a little baby but I miss doing mom things so much.  I know it will all be worth it.  And if I can’t have one, I’m completely happy to adopt. 

And I hope you all will attend my Going Away Uterus Party someday.  I fully intend to celebrate the hysterectomy when it’s time!  Can you imagine, Pin the Ovary on the Tube game?  Come on!  It will be hilarious!

Well that’s all for my reproductive system for now.  My joints have decided they want to give me hell so I’m feeling pretty shitty today.  More to come on other subjects soon!

 Tschus!

 PS:

When searching for images of endoemetriosis, I found this site that sells “colloidal silver” remedies for everything from a spider bite, to endo, to dandruff.  Wtf?  Has anyone heard of this?  Not that I’m surprised by drinking silver mineral stuff doesn’t sound like a good thing to me.  F’in quacks. 

Posted in Endometriosis, Health | 1 Comment »

4. June 2010 by Bex.

…again?

Ultrasound on Monday because of bad pelvic pain.  I’m sure some people would love to be on pain killers everyday, but I hate it.  It makes me tired, out of it and constipated.  My gut looks like I swallowed a 10 pound ham.  It’s disgusting.  I’m not sure if the ultrasound is going to change the fact I still need to have surgery again, but oh well.  Maybe there is an alien growing in there or something.

The new dilemma is whether or not to go ahead with Lupron afterwards.  Lupron is a drug that puts you into a chemical menopause.  It’s typically given in a 3 month shot but I’m told there is now a one month version.  Treatment usually lasts for 6 months, with a shot each month.  Typical side effects are hot flashes, insomnia, depression, dizziness, bone loss, irritability, feeling like you want to fucking kill someone, etc.  With the bone loss, some people have horrible body and/or joint pain.  My first doctor told me without Lupron, she’d see me six months after surgery and that was the only option she gave me.  I switched docs.  My current doctor is very good about not pushing me into it.  But I may have no choice anymore.

Fortunately they do what is call “add back therapy” which adds a little progesterone and estrogen therapy to this.  Not that it makes sense.  Lupron starves the body of estrogen to shrink and halt the growth of adhesions.  But being put into sudden menopause, especially when you are young, isn’t easy on the body so they add some hormones back into it to lessen the blow, so to speak.

Some women have no pain after treatment, and some women have a return of their pain when therapy ceases.  Most of the reviews that I’ve read have been horror stories.  Horrible hot flashes, osteoporosis, mania, fatigue, joint pain, etc.I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid I’ll never be able to have kids.  Right now to even THINK about getting pregnant, I’ll have to go off every medication I’m on except for my thyroid drug.  Then after about 3 months, we can try.  How can you try to get knocked up when it hurts to try?  There is always a turkey baster, which is an option.  Can I survive without any of my medications for up to a year?

So if I decide I can’t do this, should I just have the hysterectomy?  I know this is where I’m heading someday but even that is not fool-proof.  The growths can be anywhere in your pelvis and they react to natural or supplemented hormones.  And because it’s sometimes microscopic, one can’t be sure that it was all lasered out during surgeries.

So wtf am I supposed to do with myself?  Anyone have any suggestions?  I’ve read everything from yeast-free diets to having a baby to supplements to menopause/hysterectomy.   I’ve been sitting here crying because I don’t know what to do anymore.  If we do adopt, I’ll still have this condition and I need to deal with it.  I’m so fucking tired of dealing with it.  And you know what?  Having a positive attitude doesn’t make it go away.  Exercise doesn’t make it go away.  I’d like to hold onto both but let’s face it, they aren’t making a shit ton of difference.

I know, I know.  I’m only 33 years old, there’s plenty of time.  Well there really isn’t when you come down to all the fucking planning and preparation we will have to do.  And spending a bunch of money on medical bills doesn’t really give you a lot to save up for normal, everyday things like a house, car repairs, vet bills, etc. let alone adoption.  Any old crack addict can have a baby or six but you have to be wealthy to adopt a baby.

I know my husband will support whatever I choose to do but I know he wants to be a dad.  And he would be a great dad.  And I am so resentful and angry and exhausted trying to make these decisions.

*sigh*

So anyways, I thought I’d take some photos of how fucking stupid my insurance company is.  The shot I take each month for my rheumatoid arthritis is very expensive.  Because of that, the insurance monkeys said I have to order my shot through their prescription services.  They overnight my shot to me each month in a cooler.  Here is how much packaging they are wasting, not to mention how expensive it must be to overnight a box this size:

So there ya go.  Not exactly upbeat but oh well.  I’m trying to keep perspective on it all but every time I am about to have surgery, I start to get panic attacks.  I know I’ll absolutely freak the fuck out once I get in the prep room.  What fun!

Tschus.

Posted in Lupron, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health, General | 2 Comments »

15. April 2010 by Bex.

I saw a top ten list on Facebook of things not to say to someone who has Fibromyalgia.  One of them included the title for this blog.  It’s true: I can’t tell you how many people have told me I look healthy, I don’t look sick, etc.  I’d like to take it as a compliment.  Yes, thank you!  I struggle everyday but at least I LOOK good!  But it’s not a compliment; it’s insulting.  You don’t have to have festering sores popping puss all over the place or be using a cane or wheelchair to get around to be someone who suffers from a disease.  That’s why I don’t give anyone shit for parking in the handicapped spot when they look perfectly capable of parking 30 feet back.

My dad raised us with the typical North Dakota work ethic.  Laziness is abhorred.  I used to hear these wonderful urban legends about people who left ND for big cities and were hired on the spot by companies when it was learned they were from ND.  “Those North Dakotans have a high work ethic!  You’re hired!”  Sitting on your ass while the house needs cleaning or not working hard at your job were not options.  Hell my mom sacrificed time with her family to get her nursing degree at night.  She worked all day and went to night school, with four kids and a husband at home.  My brother some how works his ass off even though he has Parkinson’s.

I realize that the best case situation right now would be for me to be healthy and work 40 hours a week.  To contribute to my household financially.  I keep thinking once I find a less stressful job, or lose some weight, or get some relief from medications, I can go back to working 40 hours.  But I’m starting to wonder if that will ever happen.  Having these conditions, I realize how unpredictable they are.  You can be fine for two straight weeks and then wake up one day, unable to move.  Then you wonder, what did I do yesterday?  What did I do to trigger this?  What do I need to change so it doesn’t happen again?  And then you realize: nothing.  I didn’t do a damn thing different in the preceding days.  I took care of myself, got enough sleep, ate right, keep my stress down as much as possible, etc.  Some days, there is NOTHING you can do to prevent a flare up.  Shit just happens sometimes.

So how to maintain a full time, or even a part time, job when you can’t predict one day to the next how you will function?  I guess you push through the bad days no matter what.  Am I a whiner because some days I don’t or can’t push through?  Some days I give in.

So a question to those who actually read this and have issues of their own, how do you push through and take care of your responsibilities when you feel like crap?  I really think the best thing for me is to find a low-stress position and work part or 3/4 time.  I really hope there is something out there for me to do that.

Right now KC has the most tree pollen it  has had in a long time.  Wundebar!  The extreme allergic reaction I’m having has triggered the fibromyalgia.  Oh well, I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time.

Sometime when I have some energy, I’ll blog about all the quacks lurking on Facebook.  “DRINK THIS SHAKE AND YOUR CONDITIONS ARE CURED!”  The latest is Reliv.  I am sure it’s like Advocare and Herbalife.  It might be convincing if it wasn’t a pyramid sales company.

And one final vent:  what the hell happened to the spelling and grammar in this country????  I know the internet and chat boards are contributing to this.  But in high school, I had to take a basic typing class.  Mavis Beacon, remember that????

I see so many people with really positive intentions but they can’t persuade me with their arguments.  Here are basic tools of communication lost on the internet age:

* Paragraphs.  Starting a new paragraph for each different thought or idea visually breaks up text.  Not to mention it helps the reader follow your argument.

* Spelling.  Just learn to spell.  Use the spell check and familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words such as “they’re” and “their.”  Cripes.

* Grammar.  You is no fool!  I are mad at u!  Sweet Enola Gay, is it the education system or what?

* Punctuation.  Break up a sentence with a period or comma once in a while.  Try it, you might like it.

* CAPITAL LETTERS READ LIKE SHOUTING!!!

I am sorry but I can’t take people seriously in writing if they don’t at least TRY.  I know I’m not perfect.  I’m blogging and a lot of my blogs are written in a conversational style.   But at least people can get the points I’m trying to make.   If you are dyslexic or have learning disabilities, I think you are trying your hardest and I don’t want to hear from you.  You are not the ones to which I’m referring.

That is all.  *sneeze hack*  Tschus.

Posted in Thyroiditis, Endometriosis, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health | 2 Comments »

20. March 2010 by Bex.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough health-wise.  I’ve felt really run down, achey, nauseous, etc.  I hope that is because I’m trying to wean of steroids but I’m not sure.  I’d really like to just feel like a healthy person for a change.  Sheesh.

Our home buyer’s program is dicking us around a little bit.  We are very close to being approved but they want a lot of information that we didn’t believe was necessary.  It’s frustrating to get this far and then have them pull you back and ask for documents from 5 years ago.  We are also wondering if we should move to the program in Phoenix.  I feel a lot of guilt for not being closer to my brother and helping him out.  I wonder if there is anything to hold us back in KC?  Ron can work anywhere for his job and I don’t have any good career prospects in this town.  I’m not sure what to do.  The housing market has tanked and homes are so cheap in AZ right now.  I wish I could see a big sign over my head saying “DO IT!  LOVE, GOD.”  Just something to give me a clue what the right decision is.  Go?  Stay?  What will help my health?  Complete sedation and/or lobotomy?  I guess we’ll think more about it if and when we get approved for the home.  I’m so tired.

Last weekend I attended a pin-up class at Vixen Pin-up Photography studio.  The class gave tips on how to do hair and makeup and where to look for vintage-style clothing.  It was pretty fun!  There were drinks, awesome people and good girly tips.  I grew up such a tomboy that I never learned to naturally feel very feminine.  I clean up ok, but always feel awkward when I try to look girly.  It was great timing for the event last night: Pinups for Pitbulls.  They are a non-profit out of Philly and they raise money for education about bully breeds.  Miss February is a fellow volunteer and so there was a fundraiser here in KC last night.  It was pretty fun!  I forgot how much I love live music and the crowd was really cool.  The music was rockabilly and metal, so a little bit of variety.  I even ran into a gal from the class and I think we’ll be friends now.  She was super awesome.  My buddy S. went with me so thankfully I didn’t have to go alone (Ron is up in da north!) and she and I had a blast.  Good times.  I remember what it was like to get out and do stuff at night!

I followed their hair and makeup tips as faithfully as I could and tried to photo doc a little of it.  It took forever and I’m not sure how women do this shit everyday.

No makeup, hair curled and pinned:

Makeup done and hair unpinned:

Not sure how the hell to put in the victory curls and I’m feeling a little fluffy:

Finally done!  3 1/2 hours after getting into the bath:

These guys were the Death Valley Wolf Riders.  They sounded similar to Zombie:

The two lovely ladies on the left were the instructors for the class.  The gal on the left is the photographer and does hair and she is amazing!  The gal in the middle does makeup and her tips for makeup were so awesome.  I’m hoping to book some studio time for fun someday.  They were the nicest ladies!  My new friend from class is on the right.  She boogied with me for a bit

Most of my photos are pretty blurry because I don’t know how to take good low-light photographs.  And I feel like a dick sticking a flash in people’s faces so there ya go.

The last big news of late is that Ron got his second tattoo.  He got an image of Samus from Metroid.  He is absolutely in love with it and it turned out really well.  It was kinda fun to watch him get it:

So once again this blog is all over the place!  But since I don’t blog more than once or twice every two weeks, I have to throw it all together.  I keep saying I’ll do better but life always gets in the way.

Until next time….tschus.

Posted in Pin-ups, NACA, Charity, Health, Animal Welfare | 2 Comments »

18. January 2010 by Bex.

I’ve never considered myself a hippie, although I do consider myself “different” then a lot of women.  (Maybe “tomboy” is the correct term considering my love of shooting guns and playing video games.)  I like who I am and don’t see a real need to change, except for any unattractive habits that may come up.  I don’t have a problem with hippies or conservatives or anyone else, as long as they aren’t in the extreme on either side of the spectrum.  But I’ve never considered myself a hippie until lately.

I have been changing our diets slowly but surely to a more organic diet.  We cut down on alcohol and caffeine, we are drinking organic milk and when I can afford to buy more organic food, I do.  I also bought a cast iron skillet finally because it will last longer and doesn’t have Teflon or other non-stick chemicals all over it.  As we run out of household cleaners, I’m replacing them with “green” cleaners.  By the way, all this shit is rather pricey.

Due to the popularity of Facebook, I find myself talking to people from home/high school a lot more then I did when I actually went to school with them.  I can’t believe how many people have some kind of autoimmune disease.  These are people my age - early 30’s.  I’m getting pretty frickin’ paranoid that even though some of the shit I have is inherited, that all the chemicals we grow up eating and breathing can’t be helping.  In fact, I wonder if over the generations all the chemicals in our environment aren’t causing some of this.  Anyone heard of Silent Spring by Rachel Carson?  I did a paper on it in grad school when I was studying integrated pest management.  She realized one spring that the birds weren’t singing as much as they normally did each spring.  Basically through her research she discovered that DDT, a popular pesticide, had made it’s way into our ground water and thus into our food chain.  Certain species of birds were dying because their egg shells were so thin that none of the babies were making past the incubation phase.   Her book and all the controversy that it made led to state legislation all over the nation to ban dangerous pesticides.  And how did she die? Breast cancer; the incidence of which has gone up considerably since WWII when more chemicals began to be regularly dumped into the environment.   Reminds me of Marie Curie and radium in some ways.

No one can eliminate his/her exposure to chemicals completely.  But I have to cringe whenever I see commercials for scented candles and oils and sprays that companies want you to spray around your house.  If your house stinks all the time, clean it.  Quit covering up the stank with chemicals for cripe’s sakes.

On that note then, my resolutions to eat better are going well.  We hardly drink anymore (boo!!!!  beer tastes good dammit), I’ve had fried food once and am eating better overall.  Do I feel better?  Not yet.  I have a feeling that eventually I will.

I leave you with some KC fog shots.  It’s been kinda creepy/romantic outside.  I think I’m ready for April but love that we’ve had snow and fog to change things up around here a bit.

Tschus.

Posted in Blogs, Books, Health | 2 Comments »

11. January 2010 by Bex.

Isn’t that what Mr. Magoo used to say?  Maybe I’m not remembering it right.  I had my eyes dilated today around 9:30 and things are still a bit blurry.  This is what I felt like driving around today:

Yes, I realize I should not have been driving.  I used to really love watching old re-runs of Mr. Magoo.  Maybe I’ll have to do a stitch of him soon.  Yeah………that’s the ticket.

Rowdy is doing as well as Rowdy can be.  No seizures since the initial one but he has messed on the floor.  Considering it was below zero a lot, I don’t blame him.  He’s been hella picky about eating though and that is a pain in the ass.  We are trying different cooked and canned foods.  He likes only the shit that’s really bad for him.  Just like a human I guess.   Unfortunately straying from his diet makes him want more water which makes him have to pee a lot more.  So more accidents.

Life quality is still good though so we will not put him to sleep yet.

This weekend was pretty mellow.  I wanted to stay close to home because I took my second shot for RA.  I didn’t feel any side effects until the next day.   Here is a quick look at how easy it is to administer:

The side effects for me were sweating, hot flashes, racing heart, stuffiness and sinus headache.  Benadryl helps a lot.  I’ll remember that next time.  Hopefully in another month or so I’ll start to feel the positive effects.

Not much else is going on.  The only other thing I can talk about is the weather.  That’s a good sign it is time to end this post.

Tschus!

PS

In finding the following image (in which I see myself and Rowdy)…

…I found a blog which compares the United States with Mr. Magoo.  Only the blogger calls the US, Amerikkka, and says the US is like Magoo in its relations to the Muslim world.  I could explain further but I feel like just linking it will put me on some kind of watch list so I’ll let you read it for yourself.  http://ruminations52.blogspot.com/2007/02/amerikkka-as-mr.html Well, whatever your feeling on our government and its blunders, I am not sure comparing it with the KKK is right.  But whatever.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Embroidery, Health | No Comments »

3. January 2010 by Bex.

Rowdy seems ok today.  He still won’t eat much and I’m not sure if he’s pooping either.  A healthy dump is a sign of good things so that’s what I’m looking for.  At this point we’d be fine even if he did it in the house.  I’ll talk to the vet tomorrow and see if we need to come in for an exam.  Hopefully he will be ok.  I hate crying and feel like I’ve done enough lately.  Crying really doesn’t help a sinus infection either.

We spent a good deal of last night cooking and drinking and playing Beatles Rock Band.  Thankfully Ron doesn’t mind my attempt at singing.  He’s good at the guitar part and I can at least hit most of the pitches so it was fun.  I grew up on The Beatles but I just never realized how fucked up the lyrics got towards the late ’60’s.  You don’t really appreciate how drugged up they were until you try to sing the lyrics.  Fun stuff.

The graphics are good too because there is a lot of detail given to their instruments.  They also really nailed the various looks that the band went through over the years.

Video games are a great distraction as well as a nice stress relief.  Unless you are playing Mario on the Wii.  We still can’t get past that last castle.  Fucking Bowser.  I can’t imagine trying to play with more then two people at once.

So it’s a new year and for some reason people are sometimes compelled to make resolutions or reevaluate life.  I’m not so silly as to think just because we started this year off with a canine crisis that my whole year is destined to be shitty.  Quite honestly last year was really hard and not that great overall, but we got through it without taking things out on each other.  Ron’s been absolutely supportive and wonderful through all the ups and downs.  No matter how shitty it all gets, he is always the one constant and happy thing in my life.

I have come to some conclusions though; some lessons learned.  I’m going to stop trying to explain to people what the hell is wrong with me and why I can’t do everything they ask of me.  I can’t make someone understand and I’m no longer going to try.  I just don’t give a crap anymore what they think or don’t understand.  It’s too much energy.  This blog is my main vent and it’s free so I’ll just put it all here.  Lucky you!!!!  (I do promise, however, that not all blogs will be a bitch-fest.  There is more to life out there, somewhere.)

I’ve also concluded that I can’t sit and feel sorry for myself unless I know I’ve tried everything to help myself.  So I’ve looked into my conditions a bit more and most people agree that dietary changes can help with some symptoms.  I can add more veggies and fruit and organic animal products to my life.  But I’ll have to limit fun things like fried foods, sweets and alcohol.  Boo, hiss.  Meh.  I’m going to stay out of smokey places as much as possible as well.  I’m also going back to swimming and water therapy because if I do it 2-3 times a week, I’m going to at least have some physical stress relief.  It’s finding that balance between doing too much and too little that is so damn tricky.  Plus, there is a hot tub there I can use.  You just don’t know what fun is until you’ve sat in a hot tub with a bunch of old people at the community center.  Hawt.   Me and my tattoos… and lots of old people.  Just picture that in your mind for a second…  And when I’ve figured out the pattern to follow for that, I’ll try yoga.  Why not?  If it was horrible for you, would it be so popular?  Don’t answer that.  The thought of colonics just popped in my mind.  (Seriously people, you don’t have years worth of shit built up in your guts.  You just don’t.)  And finally, I need to rid myself of one of my stressors and that is my job.  I love what I do but, well I can’t get into it much here.  Something in my career life needs to change for the better.

I leave you with an image I found doing one of my Google image searches.  It just makes me giggle….a lot.   Enjoy.

Tschus.

Posted in Video Games, Health, General | No Comments »

30. December 2009 by Bex.

I should be trying to eat better and clean out my system after pigging out so much over Christmas.  We didn’t do a damn thing but eat and play video games.  I got my wish for a white Christmas and we were snowed in.  So far the roads are pretty passable which is good when one must make it to work.  I’d rather be snowed in at home though.  The dogs liked their snow time and it was very beautiful outside.  I’m ready for the weekend already though as I’ve been fighting a lovely sinus infection and finally succumbed to antibiotics.  They are kicking my ass.

Here are some photos from our Christmas.  Nothing terribly exciting but at least it was peaceful.

The drainage ditch behind the house.  I cropped out the rotted mattress someone threw down there about a year and a half ago.

We didn’t exactly primp for our photo shoot but dammit we still look cute.

Sadie enjoyed playing catch with the snowballs.

Ron has quite the smart ass sense of humor.  Good thing Rowdy was protected on the other side of the glass.

Here is Rowdy taking a nap the other day.  He’s so old and losing weight.  Not because of anything in particular but because he hates his bland diet.  So tonight he had boiled rice and cooked ground beef.  Lucky guy, eh?

This is typically what Patton looks like when I wake up on the weekends.  We sleep in together.  And nap together.  He curls up in a little brindle ball and snoozes on the bed.

Final dog photo for the day.  Last Monday was Sadie’s 13th birthday.  My baby is a teenager now.

So other then snow and pets, we’ve been playing a lot of video games.  We are almost done with Mario on the Wii.  The final Bowser section SUCKS.  This game was a lot harder then any other Mario games I’ve played.  I think it’s mostly because trying to coordinate on a platform game with someone else playing is not easy.  Both of us try to jump in the same spot at the same time.  There is much cursing in this game.

We also made it through one run of Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles.  I like how they brought elements from several other RE games.  It was pretty fun and the shaky camera made head shots harder yet more enjoyable.  I would like to run through it again at a harder setting.

Finally, we made it through Left 4 Dead 2 which was a lot more fun then the first one.  The ai’s were annoying as shit but the weapons were better and the levels were a little longer.  I especially like the melee weapons which included a frying pan, guitar and chainsaw.

So I don’t have a lot more to share.  Well, someone asked me to photograph her in a tasteful, nude shoot.  That was unexpected.  I don’t mind doing it though as nudity really doesn’t bother me that much as long as I’m the one behind the camera.  I definitely need more lessons with the camera though and I think my peeps in the local KC Flickr group are going to be a big help.  Gotta love networking with others through the net.  It’s been a life saver for me with all my social phobias and tendencies to hole myself up in my house 24-7.  Hey who knows.  Maybe I’ll get a side biz taking nudies of people.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  “Not now junior, mommy has to take photographs of people’s junk.”  That would rock.

Be well dear friends.

Tschus.

Posted in Photography, Flickr, Dogs, Video Games, Health | 1 Comment »

19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »