19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »

11. September 2009 by Bex.

I have meant to blog, I really have.  I think I’ve been overwhelmed and lazy.  I also have hesitated in posting because I am aware an old internet stalker-type is back on my track.  I didn’t want to post because I’m sure he’s reading my stuff again (why, I don’t know) but fuck it.  I can’t stop being me just because of someone else’s actions.

Since my last post I’ve kep myself busy with various stitching projects.  I’ve had to order some supplies to finish framing but otherwise they are done:

I started another photograph-to-embroider piece and am busy with that.  I’m hoping to get it done before Breast Cancer Awareness Month starts up in October.  I’ve also got to clean up another pattern for a stitching swap I’m participating in.  I’m hoping it will turn out well!!  If anyone wants, I can start posting patterns.

The hell that is Cymbalta is almost over.  I haven’t had any in a couple of weeks and the only thing I notice now is that I’m a bit down in the dumps.  I think it was boosting serotonin as a means of blocking pain.  I don’t want to go on more drugs to get my natural serotonin to start producing itself again.  So I’m not sure what I should do about it right now.  For anyone reading this, just know there is hope to get off this shit, or anything else you are taking and want to be off of.  So the fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis are still a big part of my life.  I’m trying to figure out how to be active and get exercise without exacerbating the illnesses.  And the endometriosis still sucks.  Some days of the month I can hardly walk because it hurts so much.  I got more pain medication today and it was hard to sit in an office full of little babies and pregnant women.  It seems so easy for people to get knocked up.  I wonder why I can’t?  The doctor ordered a lab test so they are going to see what a bunch of hormone levels are up to right now.  I’m curious.

Also since my last post, Ron and I attended a home buyer’s workshop.   They are a non-profit group and claim they can help anyone get into a home.  We are a tough case!  Both of us carry student loan debt and credit card debt.  My health crap eats away at a lot of our funds.  Not to mention a recent $1000 car repair bill.  We just can’t seem to get ahead!  But we aren’t giving up and we have our first meeting next week with this group.  I found their presentation to be very interesting and it fired up the activist in me.  Damn the big lending companies!  Check out www.naca.com for more information.  They have locations all over the country.  If you go through their program, the big banks fulfill a federal law that says they need to loan so much a year to programs like this and you get a locked in low interest rate, no closing costs and no downpayment.  Not bad eh?  The catch is you have to go through a strict budget through their program to prove you can make your mortgage payments.

We’ve got lots going on this month which is good.  Good to be busy I guess.  We are going to help out an historic cemetery later in the month.  They need people to help weed and maintain headstones.  I’m also going to talk to someone about helping with their history book project.  And we have free tickets to the Twins/Royals game that night, which I’m really looking forward to.  I got to tour the Kaufman stadium but didn’t stay for a game.  We did see a minor league game not long ago, the T-Bones vs Joliet.  Again, free tickets!  I’m afraid that’s all anyone can afford these days.  If it isn’t free, we try not to do it anymore.

Here are some photos from the last few weeks.  Hopefully I can keep more on top of the blog from now on.

Posted in Cross stitch, NACA, Baseball, Crime, Cymbalta, History, Infertility, Health | No Comments »

25. April 2009 by Bex.

I survived, huzzah!  They tried to give me an IV and managed to get my blood all over the floor.  I have to give them props for trying to be really gentle with the IV.  It just didn’t work.  So a different nurse came over and rammed one into my other hand.  I’m pretty bruised all over.  That was my only freak-out.  They couldn’t get the IV in and I started crying and sweating and feeling pukey.  But after that, things were ok.  I got plenty of pain meds and anti-nausea stuff after the surgery.  I went in at 8:00 and was home by 1:00.  Then I had some delicious sleep for four hours.

Today I peeled off all the bandages and found a very nice bruise.  No wonder my stomach hurts so much!  I’m also swollen as hell.  I look like I’m 5 months pregnant.  Or that I’ve been drinking a case of beer a day for a year.  Either/or.

There’s a lot of air in my body that hasn’t been absorbed yet.  It really hurts to take deep breaths but it’s not bad overall.

Ron’s mother is here helping us out.  She brought her two little dogs so we now have a herd.  I say herd instead of pack because it just feels like we’re herding them around or vice versa.  Rowdy got shaved on Thursday and he looks like a little plucked chicken.  I think he feels really good though because he’s more comfortable and walks with his head held high.  Here are some doggie photos from Thursday evening:

Darvocet is wearing off, time to go.  Have a groovy Saturday!

Posted in Dogs, Infertility, Health | 1 Comment »

22. April 2009 by Bex.

It’s become bright and sunny here in the KC area.  It’s also very warm…almost hot.  I’m sure it will be 40 degrees in a few days, as this is a place of extremes.  I’m blogging from our back porch right now.  Surgery is in two days and I have to shamefully admit that I’m freaking the fuck out.  If you don’t know, I’m having my uterine septum bisected.  Google “Mullerian anomalies” if  you are curious.  I suppose just about anyone can appreciate a person’s fear of having sharp instruments inside or around his/her genitalia.  I’m sure I’ll be fine but I’m dreading the catheter and inability to piss on my own post-operation.

I was reading an NRA magazine today.  Yes, I do belong to the NRA because I believe in keeping the right to bear arms.  Some of what I read, I think “right on!”  “Yeah, damn Democrats, trying to take away semi-autos, wtf?!”  However, I can’t help but think about all the nut cases that have shot up college campuses and an immigration office.  If guns were illegal, would these people have purchased their firearms illegally and committed their crimes regardless?  Would they have gone mad while driving instead, and plowed their cars into a crowd of people?  If guns were unavailable, wouldn’t crimes still occur?  Not to mention the deer population exploding more than it has in recent years.  Chronic wasting disease again.  Because let’s face it.  Many rifles are semi-automatic.  I guess I feel that if I want to own a gun, or have an abortion, or marry a chick, I should be able to do so.  Mucking with the constitution and other laws to prevent the above is something I’m very against.  Now that doesn’t mean I think anyone should be able to walk down to their nearest Bullet Hole gun store and purchase a fully automatic weapon.  That’s not a defensive weapon or a hunting weapon.  That’s just a means of killing and maiming as many people as possible.  I don’t have all the answers to this big debate but I know what my inclinations are.  That’s about it.

Two things of note from this NRA magazine I’m reading which is called America’s 1st Freedom.  First is an article announcing the big speakers for the annual NRA banquet and forum: Lt. Colonel Oliver North and John Stossel.  What a pairing!!  Now that I think about it, John Stossel is a pretty plain spoken, no-nonsense kind of guy.  I don’t watch him very often but when I have, I’ve liked what he has to say.  I’m sure it will be interesting to those attending.  The other thing I’m noticing on this same page (page 26 if you are really wanting to see for yourself) is an advertisement for a collector’s edition of a custom AR-15 issued in honor of Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.  HA!  “Called the Alaskan Hunter, the all-white AR made by Templar Consulting is chambered in .50 Beowulf, and includes 50 rounds of custom solids, a custom sling and Starlight case.”  Unfortunately I can’t find an image of this ummm interesting item at the company’s website (www.templarconsultingllc.com) nor could I find anything by doing a Google image search.  I did find some amusing and slightly disturbing images:

Like I said, I’m a gun owner and all for the right to bear arms but Palin’s custom AR-15?  Does it come with a helicopter mount?

My last word on gun ownership, I promise.  About a month ago I was home alone during the middle of the day.  Because Patton had hosed down the basement in urine (another lovely story I won’t share) I left the sliding glass door open to air things out.  I was all the way upstairs, without my cell phone, when I heard a door slam in the basement.  I figured it was just the wind blowing the laundry room door around even though I KNEW the door was already closed.  There was a moment of “fuck I’m alone, changing in the bedroom without a cell phone and what the hell was that???”  I loaded up Alfonso, the .357 I bought a year or so ago and took him throughout the house.  Don’t worry.  He wasn’t cocked and my finger was certainly NOT on the trigger.  I didn’t find anything and I have never left that door open since.  Thankfully it was nothing but I’m really glad I have that gun here.  A couple weeks ago when I was passed out on Ambien, Ron heard what sounded like gun shots followed by the screech of tires and sirens just up the hill and across the street.  He was glad I didn’t hear it and when I asked him if he looked out the window he exuberantly exclaimed “NO!”  So who knows in this neighborhood.  I’m just glad we are prepared for a thug or zombie apocolypse.

Anyway, that’s my day.  Hope everyone is well and good!  Tschus meinen freunden.

Posted in Guns, Politics, Infertility, Health, General | 2 Comments »

12. April 2009 by Bex.

Happy Easter.  Today we baked a ham with cranberry bourbon sauce, green bean casserole and biscuits.  We hung close to the house this weekend as I’ve managed to obtain a lovely cold virus.  Some of our Easter photos:

We have yet to torture the Peeps.  Hopefully if we do so, photographs/blog will follow.

Please note the new double chin and lack of makeup.

They are waiting for something to drop; my floor cleaners

Ron’s rockin’ the bourbon/cranberry sauce

Photos from work: Train Alley

Detail of the ceiling

Card catalog

My doctor called me in on Friday.  I was having so much bleeding that they wanted to do an ultrasound.  At first they thought it was a miscarriage but thankfully it is not.  I’m just a freak that doesn’t respond to the medication like others do.  Most women have suspended cycles and they are fine.  Not me!  I told the doc that I’m going to be the abnormal case study for everything.  I’m sure in time he will learn to take me seriously.  Yep.   Maybe now that I’m off some of the hormone medicines, I’ll drop the 5 lbs I gained overnight.  HOPE HOPE HOPE!

I did find a venue to hock my “wares” (aka photography) at a site called Imagekind.  http://ndbex.imagekind.com/  I don’t feel I’m up to par yet or close to the other artists on there, however I think I can get to a higher level.  Any constructive criticism is welcome.

Hope everyone had a good Easter or whatever you celebrate.  Tschus!

Posted in Infertility, Hobbies, Health, General | 3 Comments »

8. April 2009 by Bex.

Being on a lot of drugs is sort of like being in a crappy game show.  I’ve hit a Wammie with this concoction.  Danazol and prednisone are both types of hormones.  I’m (un)happily bloated, puffy and depressed.  The scale keeps creeping up and that is pissing me off.  And even though the danazol is supposed to thin out the uterine lining and decrease blood flow, I’ve ummm been entertaining Aunt Flo at our house for ten days now.  Bitch needs to leave.  Also the prednisone lowers your body’s ability to fight infections.  So what did I wake up to today?  A throbbing headache and sore throat.  I’ve consumed so much fluid today in an effort to flush things out but who knows if it will do any good anytime soon.  I have so much crap in my system, I can’t tell what side effects are from what drug anymore.  Luckily, half of this crap is temporary.

I did manage to get some of my house clean over the weekend and I went to the gym Sunday and last night.  I have not, however, trimmed my nose hairs.  I am sure you all want to know that information.  And we were invited to the KC Tax Day Tea Party at the Liberty Memorial.  We’ve agreed to go even though we aren’t normally public on our political feelings.  And we’re pretty middle of the road; not Left or Right.  I guess the Tax Day Tea Party is a protest about how the government keeps giving bailout money to private corporations.  It sounds very interesting and should make for a good photo opportunity.  Maybe I’m just hoping for some free food.  Here’s some info about it: KC Tax Day Tea Party.  (An aside: for some reason I keep typing “teat” instead of “tea.”)

 That’s my excitement for the day.  I leave you with a Wammie.  Tschus!

Posted in Politics, Television, Infertility, Health, General | No Comments »

29. March 2009 by Bex.

I was told on Thursday that my MRI showed a septate uterus so at least I know I get to have the lesser evil of the surgery options.  Hooray, I guess!  Ron is going with me tomorrow to talk to the doctor about what exactly they are going to do, how they are going to do it and when.  I can’t wait to go back to my favorite hospital, OP Regional.  Where they rush you out of the door 10 minutes after you wake up from surgery, whether you can piss on your own or not.  This time not only will my husband be a lot more aggressive with them, but they will have my mother-in-law to deal with as well.  I pity those poor fuckin’ nurses.  I’m looking forward to finding out more tomorrow and getting this over with as soon as possible.

Yesterday we hunkered down, waiting out the sleet and snow.  It’s pretty much all melted today.  I expect that to be end of our shitty weather.  Soon it will be muggy, oppressive and full of mosquitoes.  Maybe we’ll get lucky and get somewhat of a Spring this year.

Today we watched some movies.  To my surprise, I really enjoyed The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.  It’s a documentary about a nice guy named Steven Wiebe who tries to beat Billy Martin’s world record in Donkey Kong:

At first it seems like a comical look at gamer nerds but then it turns into a poignant look at one man’s quest to finally be recognized for something.  I’d love to run into the biggest dork/loser/POS, Billy Martin, someday.  I’d love to tell him what I think of his hairstyle.

This movie streams through the XBox via Netflix so GET IT.  You’ll love it.

We also watched The Golden Compass and Vantage Point.  The Golden Compass was really a great fantasy movie and it sucks that it didn’t do very well at the box office.  I’m not sure there will ever be a sequel and the movie ends in a way that really leaves the viewer hanging.  I need to read the books and find out what is missing.  Vantage Point was pretty annoying but the last action sequence was pretty frickin’ cool.  No spoilers here so I’ll let you see them yourselves.

Other than that, not much is going on.  Steroids are great for adding energy and taking away joint pain.  However they are shit for the waistline.  Fuck.  Maybe I can handle taking them every other day?  I don’t know.  I’m tired of feeling like a stuffed sausage in my jeans.

It’s almost time for my favorite Sunday night trash, Rock of Love.  I just can’t stop watching Bret Michaels spreading around the Hep!

Ewwww.

Posted in Television, Movies, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »

20. March 2009 by Bex.

Every run across someone or something and it’s like you met your cosmic internet twin?  I just found this blog today and am still reading through it.  I have yet to know anything about this woman other than she has gone through a lot of what I’m going through now.  God bless her, if she were in front of me I would cry on her shoulder and hug her.  Her blog is here. (So far what I know about my body is that there is a wall or septum inside my uterus.  I’m not getting pregnant.  My first husband and I tried for a year and a half with no success.  Ron and I have almost been at this almost a year.  I’ve been through an HSG and two laparoscopies for endometriosis.  And all that involves just my reproductive system.  Oh and my reproductive endocrinologist suggested I get tested for the genes that cause breast and ovarian cancer because I might just want to get my ovaries out now.  Nevermind that I thought having my breasts electively cut off at age 27 would be the worst health crisis of my life, but now I need to worry about my ovaries.)

I hope if she ever reads this that she doesn’t mind I cut and pasted the following out of her blog.  I had someone today tell me that she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and only wants to help.  Danielle, I love you too and trust me, just you reaching out to me means the world.  So to everyone, this is pretty much what not to say to a couple facing infertility:

• “Don’t Tell Them to Relax - no amount of relaxing would have dissolved my septum. Nor will it help other people who are struggling with various known and unknown cases of infertility.
• Don’t Minimize the Problem - Talking about all the petty benefits to being childless is a sucky thing to do. (sleeping in, not getting barfed on, going out for beers)
  
• Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen - Great. I already feel shitty, now you are reminding me to feel guilty about my own pain…
• Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents - I don’t believe this crap anyhow.
  
• Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy - This is the motherload. If I have to explain why, then you may possibly be too insensitive to be anyone’s friend. Hope your kid loves you, because you are a piece!”

I went to my MRI today but won’t find out the results until mid to late next week.  Holy crap, I’m so thankful that I’m not clausterphobic.  They lay you down on a table and remotely drive your table into a narrow, plastic tube.  The only preparation you get is to wear ear plugs and head phones because it is incredibly loud.  It’s a repetitive “wah wah wah” sound and it varies in tone depending on what buttons they push (I’m assuming.)  The only really bad part was that towards the end a louder “wah wah wah” sound started, very intense, and I actually FELT my hands tingle and a bubbling in my ribs and abdomen.  It felt like there was something under my skin, in my body cavity, trying to burrow its way out.  I can only describe it as the scene from Alien:

I pressed the call button at this point and asked them if it was normal.  Basically I was told that it is, it DOES happen to some people, but they don’t tell you that ahead of time because they don’t want to freak anyone out anymore then they already are.  Christ.  Luckily the MRI didn’t last an hour but only around 20 minutes in the tube.  I’m still wigged out about that sensation.  Fucking hell.

If you don’t know what to say to me or how to act around me, don’t worry.  To be honest, I’m not even sure wtf to do with myself.  I’m trying to stay positive and take things day by day, or at least procedure by procedure.  I don’t want to be the constant emo, depressive bitch that I feel I am.  I want to be happy Bex, living life to the fullest.  It’s just very hard to have to work so hard to be happy when things feel very frustrating and fucked up.  I promise to keep trying and I hope everyone has patience with me.  I’ll try to have patience with myself too.  As a good friend recently said to me, I have a great husband, pets who love me and good friends.  Thank God for that because I’m really leaning hard on those things right now.

So now what?  Well it’s the weekend and I pissed away my Friday worrying about shit I can’t control instead of going to work.  So I’ll need to do some work this weekend as well as find healthy ways to destress.  I’m seriously considering going to the gun range and taking some photographs.  Oh and we are hitting the gym Saturday and Sunday so I can help my poor joints.  I almost forgot I need to work on keeping the ol’ rheumatoid arthritis at bay.  How old am I again?  80?  Oh yeah, 32.  Ha!

The other great thing I’ve learned from reading the Uterus Divided blog is that I don’t need to apologize for being angry, sad, hurt, frustrated and let’s admit it, a little insane.  I can blog about it and be honest because I know in my heart that I have good times, I laugh, smile and enjoy the world around me.  But dammit, I need a way to get this shit off my chest or the crazy will take over for good.

PS: I’ve set this bad bitch up to take comments even if you aren’t registered.  Don’t make me regret it.

Tschus.

Posted in Infertility, Health | 6 Comments »