Here we go….

4. June 2010 by Bex.

…again?

Ultrasound on Monday because of bad pelvic pain.  I’m sure some people would love to be on pain killers everyday, but I hate it.  It makes me tired, out of it and constipated.  My gut looks like I swallowed a 10 pound ham.  It’s disgusting.  I’m not sure if the ultrasound is going to change the fact I still need to have surgery again, but oh well.  Maybe there is an alien growing in there or something.

The new dilemma is whether or not to go ahead with Lupron afterwards.  Lupron is a drug that puts you into a chemical menopause.  It’s typically given in a 3 month shot but I’m told there is now a one month version.  Treatment usually lasts for 6 months, with a shot each month.  Typical side effects are hot flashes, insomnia, depression, dizziness, bone loss, irritability, feeling like you want to fucking kill someone, etc.  With the bone loss, some people have horrible body and/or joint pain.  My first doctor told me without Lupron, she’d see me six months after surgery and that was the only option she gave me.  I switched docs.  My current doctor is very good about not pushing me into it.  But I may have no choice anymore.

Fortunately they do what is call “add back therapy” which adds a little progesterone and estrogen therapy to this.  Not that it makes sense.  Lupron starves the body of estrogen to shrink and halt the growth of adhesions.  But being put into sudden menopause, especially when you are young, isn’t easy on the body so they add some hormones back into it to lessen the blow, so to speak.

Some women have no pain after treatment, and some women have a return of their pain when therapy ceases.  Most of the reviews that I’ve read have been horror stories.  Horrible hot flashes, osteoporosis, mania, fatigue, joint pain, etc.I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid I’ll never be able to have kids.  Right now to even THINK about getting pregnant, I’ll have to go off every medication I’m on except for my thyroid drug.  Then after about 3 months, we can try.  How can you try to get knocked up when it hurts to try?  There is always a turkey baster, which is an option.  Can I survive without any of my medications for up to a year?

So if I decide I can’t do this, should I just have the hysterectomy?  I know this is where I’m heading someday but even that is not fool-proof.  The growths can be anywhere in your pelvis and they react to natural or supplemented hormones.  And because it’s sometimes microscopic, one can’t be sure that it was all lasered out during surgeries.

So wtf am I supposed to do with myself?  Anyone have any suggestions?  I’ve read everything from yeast-free diets to having a baby to supplements to menopause/hysterectomy.   I’ve been sitting here crying because I don’t know what to do anymore.  If we do adopt, I’ll still have this condition and I need to deal with it.  I’m so fucking tired of dealing with it.  And you know what?  Having a positive attitude doesn’t make it go away.  Exercise doesn’t make it go away.  I’d like to hold onto both but let’s face it, they aren’t making a shit ton of difference.

I know, I know.  I’m only 33 years old, there’s plenty of time.  Well there really isn’t when you come down to all the fucking planning and preparation we will have to do.  And spending a bunch of money on medical bills doesn’t really give you a lot to save up for normal, everyday things like a house, car repairs, vet bills, etc. let alone adoption.  Any old crack addict can have a baby or six but you have to be wealthy to adopt a baby.

I know my husband will support whatever I choose to do but I know he wants to be a dad.  And he would be a great dad.  And I am so resentful and angry and exhausted trying to make these decisions.

*sigh*

So anyways, I thought I’d take some photos of how fucking stupid my insurance company is.  The shot I take each month for my rheumatoid arthritis is very expensive.  Because of that, the insurance monkeys said I have to order my shot through their prescription services.  They overnight my shot to me each month in a cooler.  Here is how much packaging they are wasting, not to mention how expensive it must be to overnight a box this size:

So there ya go.  Not exactly upbeat but oh well.  I’m trying to keep perspective on it all but every time I am about to have surgery, I start to get panic attacks.  I know I’ll absolutely freak the fuck out once I get in the prep room.  What fun!

Tschus.

Posted in Lupron, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health, General | 2 Comments »