6. March 2010 by Bex.

Holy shit, long time no blog!  I’d like to say there is nothing new in my life but there is tons going on.  So here is an update:

First off:  We beat Bioshock 2 just in time for the March 11th expansion pack. I haven’t planned any of the online portions of the game yet so I can’t really say much about the multiplayer, online death matches.  However the story was good for a sequel and the graphics, though at first seemed grainy, turned out to be really awesome.  I thought the game was harder overall with more melee type attacks.  Playing it on easy gave you a lot of hints that seemed a little unnecessary but that’s ok too.  I love the art deco themes and the characters are interesting.

Second:  Lasik went awesome!  I can see!  It was horribly uncomfortable and while they give you a lot of valium, that just wears right off when you are under the laser.  It was nice that my husband was allowed to sit in there with me and I clawed the shit out of his hand during the procedure.  But the awfulness lasted only about 20 minutes followed by a horrible ride home.  I took something to help me sleep and by the time I woke up 4 hours later, I felt worn out but fine.  I did have to wear some groovy blinders at night for a few days to keep me from scratching my eyes.

I had some lovely impressions in my flesh every morning.  But it turned out really well and I’m happy with it.  No more contacts or glasses.  Schweet.

I’ve been working pretty hard at my health shit.  I found some books at the Half Price Bookstore which talk about fibromyalgia and endometriosis.  I’m working on a symptom and food diary to try to pinpoint triggers.  During this time I’ve had a fever that came out of nowhere and am trying to figure out if there is any rhyme or reason to things like that.  So we’ll see what comes of this new experiment.  I still would like to lose the rest of the 40lbs I gained.  That means I have another 15-20lbs to go.  Being overweight and chronically ill is not easy.  It just exacerbates all your shit.

No new pets and no pets have passed away, no matter how old and infirm they are.   I’m starting Patton on obedience classes this coming week.  I hope that when he gets over his fear of oh…..EVERYTHING….he will be able to start training for a therapy dog program.  Our vet seems to think he’d be excellent at it because of his very mellow temperament.  He went in today to get his distemper shot and a heart worm test. He’s a very sweet dog and I think he’d be a great ambassador for his part Staffordshire Terrier breed.  So many Pit mixes like him are put down right away or taken from their homes in cities with breed bans.  We are learning a lot about this because of our involvement with a pit bull rescue.  This volunteer work has been very rewarding as well as educational.  Just to get it out there, I fucking hate the media.  I hate them all.  Their mission is to sell news by freaking the shit out of everyone in a community.  Period.  Misinformation be damned!  We have to sell newspapers, ratings, etc!  Fuck the truth!  Ok sorry, I’m off my soapbox for now.

Last couple of thing:  I’m going to take a pinup photography class next weekend.  I’m going by myself, which for a hermit, is a big deal.  I’m freaked out by social situations like this but I think it will be fun and informative.  I think the new pin up style with the tatts and vintage/rockabilly themes are awesome.  This all proceeds the Pinups for Pit Bulls event in KC on the 19th.  I’m all for animal rescue organizations, beer and music.  Now, what to wear?  No clue…  The last item of discussion is that I really want another tattoo.  I’m trying to find something that reminds me of my mother.  Yesterday was the 26th anniversary of her passing.  A long ass time ago.  I really miss her and would like my next tatt to be something to do with her. Ron is pretty ready for more ink so we’re going to investigate some new tattoo parlors.   And finally, I hope to hit up the roller derby around the end of the month.  It’s going to be a girls night comprised of women I work with.  I think we’re going to get a little drunk and watch some chicks on roller skates beat the crap out of each other.  That should be fun!

I’ll update my blog with another stitch or two when the time is right.  I’ve got some ideas on the burner for new embroidery and I’m excited to get started.  So overall things are good but everyday is a learning experience.  Some times I fuck up royally and other days I have things in control.  I can’t seem to predict from one day to the next how it’s going to go.  Just doing the best I can!

Tschus.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Crafts, Embroidery, Video Games, Dogs, Animals, Hobbies | 1 Comment »

11. January 2010 by Bex.

Isn’t that what Mr. Magoo used to say?  Maybe I’m not remembering it right.  I had my eyes dilated today around 9:30 and things are still a bit blurry.  This is what I felt like driving around today:

Yes, I realize I should not have been driving.  I used to really love watching old re-runs of Mr. Magoo.  Maybe I’ll have to do a stitch of him soon.  Yeah………that’s the ticket.

Rowdy is doing as well as Rowdy can be.  No seizures since the initial one but he has messed on the floor.  Considering it was below zero a lot, I don’t blame him.  He’s been hella picky about eating though and that is a pain in the ass.  We are trying different cooked and canned foods.  He likes only the shit that’s really bad for him.  Just like a human I guess.   Unfortunately straying from his diet makes him want more water which makes him have to pee a lot more.  So more accidents.

Life quality is still good though so we will not put him to sleep yet.

This weekend was pretty mellow.  I wanted to stay close to home because I took my second shot for RA.  I didn’t feel any side effects until the next day.   Here is a quick look at how easy it is to administer:

The side effects for me were sweating, hot flashes, racing heart, stuffiness and sinus headache.  Benadryl helps a lot.  I’ll remember that next time.  Hopefully in another month or so I’ll start to feel the positive effects.

Not much else is going on.  The only other thing I can talk about is the weather.  That’s a good sign it is time to end this post.

Tschus!

PS

In finding the following image (in which I see myself and Rowdy)…

…I found a blog which compares the United States with Mr. Magoo.  Only the blogger calls the US, Amerikkka, and says the US is like Magoo in its relations to the Muslim world.  I could explain further but I feel like just linking it will put me on some kind of watch list so I’ll let you read it for yourself.  http://ruminations52.blogspot.com/2007/02/amerikkka-as-mr.html Well, whatever your feeling on our government and its blunders, I am not sure comparing it with the KKK is right.  But whatever.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Embroidery, Health | No Comments »

19. December 2009 by Bex.

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you’ve had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God….I’ve had enough.  I’ve been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you’ve been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don’t understand and aren’t capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It’s not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I’ve only told those at work because I’ve felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I’m sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don’t feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don’t understand or think I’m making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I’m crazy.  Maybe this isn’t real?  Maybe I’m an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  “Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!”

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it’s hard.

I’m not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I’m so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it’s temporary and it will get better.  This isn’t really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don’t eat, it doesn’t go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can’t go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn’t get why I can’t lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don’t volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband’s pants.  Good night.

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infertility, Family, Health | 5 Comments »

6. December 2009 by Bex.

I’m not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven’t  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that’s not entirely it.  We’ve decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn’t getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it’s lasting longer and is heavier.  We’ve tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven’t tried THAT hard…it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it’s just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn’t know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can’t keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren’t good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don’t feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it’s true.

I’m sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn’t helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I’m having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them….they are so real.

It’s not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we’ll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can’t live that way anymore.  It isn’t going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don’t want to be super medicated but hey, what’s one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I’ll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I’ve been working on lately.  I’ve only completed one and a half so far because I’ve been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I’ll get them finished soon!

Posted in Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cross stitch, Infertility, Health | 4 Comments »

1. November 2009 by Bex.

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot better mentally and physically.  Some days I think I can go back to a 40 hour work week.  And then I hit a set back.  I paid really close attention to my symptoms this week though and tried to analyze things as they came up.  I’m too lazy and inconsistent to do a symptom diary though.  Yes, I lick ass.  Such is life.

I thought perhaps if I avoided stress completely, kept up on sleep and all my medications, I would be able to control my health.  How egomaniac is that?  You can’t control everything.  You can be doing everything right, everything within your control, and still feel like shit.  It really hit me on Friday.  I had organized a potluck for Halloween at work, assisted a researcher all morning and then watched the desk most of the afternoon.  I did some running around and helped people out.  By 1:00 I could feel a weight in my chest and the skin on my face was red and felt like it was on fire.  By the end of the afternoon I was really run down.  When I got home, I felt like there was a fire lit in my torso, my knees were stiff and sore and I was limping.  I was shaking a lot too.

I really did have a good week overall.  I was able to participate in some professional development and networking at a symposium.  I got some things done at work.  I cut out some toxic people from my life too which felt extremely liberating.

My point:  I did everything seemingly right but I had a flare up nonetheless.  I was just tired out.  I did too much and my body rebelled.  What’s really hard is that I know to people who don’t know me well, I look pretty healthy.  I’m young and not toooooo overweight.  I think it’s hard for people to understand that you can look great on the outside but feel shitty on the inside.  However, when I think about it….I must not look too healthy all the time.  I’ve had strangers offer to help me carry my groceries and insist on having me do the drive through pick-up.  Some days I lean heavily on the shopping cart and limp along.  Or days when my elbows and arms ache so bad, I hold them close to my body and have a hard time picking up the littlest thing.  So I guess when I think about it, there are people who intuitively pay attention to body language more than others.  Those are the kinds of people who pick up on this stuff.

So lesson learned.  I can’t always control when a flare up occurs.  Gotcha.  I’ll keep that in mind.

Posted in Rheumatoid Arthritis, Health | 2 Comments »